Thursday, December 29, 2016

Curve Balls

Always wondered about the curve balls that life sends us.  Is there a purpose or reason behind them?  A lesson to some how be learned?

Sometimes I feel like life gives me too many difficult and puzzling health issues to deal, yet also realize that there is always some one who has it worse.  Though when dealing with certain things it can feel like little consolation as well. 

I've mentioned my heart stuff before, the tachycardia and the very scary skips knowing as pvcs or pacs. Along with a valve issue as well.  Just like anything else they seem to have periods of waxing and waning.  At one point even thought I had managed to deal with the utter fear they can produce until they decided to show their scary selves again. It's easy to believe a fear has been conquered when not experiencing something but when it comes around again reality can feel more like a bitch.

Few weeks ago had some episodes which I blamed on that time of the month, but when they seemed to stick around I panicked.  Hormones definitely plays a part and can be quite an antagonist.  As can stress, caffeine, nicotine, cold weather, etc.  When the skips and racing tend to linger is when the fear sets in.  They are just so dang uncomfortable often times bringing with them hot flashes, sweating and even anxiety.  When they occur at night they make it impossible to even sleep as they will wake one from a deep sleep that's how nerve wrecking the suckers can feel.  

It's impossible to describe unless one has actually experienced them but it's as if someone is squeezing the heart. Skip, spasm and flutter feeling are all good adjectives. Along with feeling hot and sweaty.  Then there is the panic feeling and rush of adrenaline that sets in when they won't go away.  It's as if the body just automatically reacts making it hard to keep calm.  

There have been so many tests run over the years I've lost track of them all.  It doesn't help that heart issues have run in my family history either.  The medicines they prescribe aren't perfect by any means.  While they help they don't prevent them.  Most cardiologists are baffled as to what causes them, why they come and go as they do and no one has any miracle cure for them. 

If you google pacs, pvcs, tachycardi there is plenty of information but little solutions. Most people will experience them but not all will feel them.  Some are more hyper sensitive to them than others so the experts say.  There are many message boards filled with people who not only experience them but also are fearful of them. They aren't like diabetes say that can be controlled with some insulin shots and think that's what scares people the most, the unknowns that come with them. They are a curve ball for sure.

So in the midst of some very scary attacks my mind can't help but wonder why?  Why does anyone have to experience such curve balls?  Are they suppose to be teaching me something?  Quite frankly feel like the only thing they seem to teach is how to feel more fear.  They always say face the fear and it will disappear but I've learned that's much easier said than done.  Just the moment I think I've faced the fear of these, learned to live with them is when they seem to change their course.  It's maddening and mind boggling.

I know for a fact that my life would be different without them and the vertigo.  They have made me into more of a homebody of sorts.  They tug me in a direction I don't always prefer.  I love adventures, fun things, exercise, exploring new places, travel and what not.  Growing up I didn't even feel I needed a tv as I wanted to be doing things not watching them. Some how though over the years the pesky health issues caught up to me and it became harder to do all those things I loved. For that I do feel resentment at times.  

There are moments when I think had these health issues not affected me that may not be where I am today or even with the man.  Before this health stuff someone who loved to watch tv and lounge on the couch wouldn't have even caught my attention. So it's interesting how life works.  And so maybe there is a reason behind them?   Maybe it's life way of leading me on another path, one I wouldn't have chose without the frustrating health stuff.  Maybe there is a reason in many ways it slowed me down some. 

Ugh curve balls they could really drive us all crazy.  If only they came with an explanation or more help in getting through them. 

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