Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Soul Torn Desires

We all have innate soul desires, things in which when we do or are surrounded by them our souls feel alive, enlightened and complete.

Mine in no particular order are small beach towns, the ocean, exploring and traveling to new places, flowers and gardening, being outside in nature, animals especially dogs, coastal/rustic decor, vanilla flavored anything, creating, reading, helping others, kayaking across still lake, collecting shells, running even though I can't seem to partake in it anymore, affection I may in fact be a kissing fiend whose passion can't be quenched, sunny days, pastel colors, deep conversations, lounging under star filled skies, camping in scenic places, cape cod style homes, sensitive men, romance, candle light, dancing to good music, unconditional love, enthusiasm, passionate people, yoga. Given it's almost bed time I'm probably forgetting some too.

Lately I think what's really hard about buying a home and getting married is feeling like some of my innate soul desires may have been put on a back burner.  There's a fear that they may remain there, and if they do am I really living an authentic life?  Or settling for one that feels simply comfortable?

I mean sitting on the couch watching tv is comfortable but is that really the purpose of life? Are we really meant to just zone out on our phones or other such meaningless things?  Think there's more to life than any of us take the time to explore or learn.  My mind has just been wandering a lot lately.

For instance if we buy a home in the area, will I ever follow my heart back to the beach?  What happened to holding out for a Cape style home?  Will the ways in which the man and I are different eventually lead to a stalemate?  What about the dizziness will it continue to stand in the way of my true passions? Will I once again be able to hit the road for my favorite cross country travels? Should life, love or even work be easier than it is?  Maybe it's all the life changes, or stress I've been facing but lately feel like I'm really beginning to ponder life and see things more clearly than ever now.

The most important question is can I incorporate more of those innate soul desires into every day life?  Yet can I afford not to?

Essentially we must all decide what it is that truly makes us happy.  It's more than just what though it's with whom, where, how and so on.  We must keep asking until our soul feels the answers come alive from within.  It's up to us to create, to bring to life and live those soul desires.

And so those soul desires are leaving me rather torn, maybe it's a middle of life crisis or something but I want more out of life than my soul is experiencing or feeling lately, or even has been for awhile. Maybe the waters became a tad too stagnant, repetitive or maybe the waves became too rough to want to even surf.  Whatever the reasons I need to figure out a way to experience, feel and incorporate more of those soul torn desires into daily life.

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