Friday, June 24, 2016

Life Lately

Life.....lately it's felt chaotic, unnerving, stressful, confusing, out of control and what not.  What not is my go to word when I'm talking about a million things rolled into one. ha

I've sucked at blogging as my dizziness hasn't been allowing me to be on the computer much.  Even so much as glancing at my smart phone can bring on a bout of dizziness and head pressure.  While I know I should not even chance it by being on here a part of me needs to release the pent up thoughts.

The head pressure I'm feeling is impossible to even put into words but some days I find my teeth chattering because of it.  Even had some headaches accompanying it that Tylenol has been useless in resolving.  And if you know me, you know I don't like taking anything including Tylenol unless it's bad.

The dizziness and head pressure have become unrelenting affecting even sleep.  It's driving me crazy.  And no one even those that love me can possible understand what I'm experiencing or going through each day.  The stress of living with a chronic condition such as a vestibular migraine disorder is just maddening.  I'm beginning to even wonder if the specialists even have the diagnosis right.  I've had flares in the past but this might be one of the worst.

Meanwhile the stress of it and a long list of other things going on in my life at the moment is only complicating everything.

Wedding planning has of course fallen on me, the girl who wanted to elope...imagine that.  At times I get annoyed, and even start to question if I truly want to get married.  Think I suffer from FOC (fear of commitment). The idea of taking vows before God and then being legally joined occasionally freaks me out.

Find myself pondering the ways in which the man and I are different, then analyzing if we really are a good match.  I've come to learn it's better to be similar in nature than opposite, there's more harmony and life just flows easier.  Being opposite in nature seems to cause more conflicts to arise.  Feel like the man and I are in many ways like ying and yang.  We each have a hard time understanding the other in certain aspects and areas of life because of those ways in which we are complete opposites.

All the while we have been trying to buy a home too.  Talk about stress, the idea of such a serious commitment and investment has me freaking out too.  FOBO (Fear of Better Options) comes into play here.  We tours houses but than I wonder if there might be something better out there, maybe we should wait until that perfect houses comes along...only problem is with our budget that so called perfect house just doesn't exist.  Truth is there will always be some imperfections yet my brain still says keep looking.  Let's just say I suck when it comes to making decisions! ;)

The highlight of life lately has been spending time with my sister, niece and nephew.  I'm completely adore my newborn nephew.  He is precious and holding him is so relaxing. It's hard to put into words how special he is or how grateful I am for any moment I get to spend with them.

Though my sister is experiencing a lot of stress as well right now.  My nephew has been crying a lot, sometimes hours at a time, which makes it hard for her to do anything especially sleep.  My niece isn't on her best and is giving my sister a brutal time. My sister has been through so much the past few months and I'm worried about her health as well.

 Not sure men even realize all that a woman does and all the responsibilities they take on daily.  Having a child is not easy on women, their bodies are trying to recover especially hormonally and she was high risk due to other health stuff...meanwhile they have to breastfeed their babies or pump every so many hours, still take care of all the other children and household responsibilities not to mention many continue to have to work.  It's insane when you think about all women do and for which many men will never understand.  Imagine if men even experienced pms?  I'm sure one week a month would be allotted off from work.

Oh and on top off that the company my mother works for got bought out, so even she is experiencing a tremendous amount of stress.  At 69 she doesn't feel ready to retire and yet doesn't feel comfortable working for a huge corporation. What's worse yet is her position could have to be transferred to another corporate office which isn't close to where they live.   Her company was a small, family owned business but it got taken over by a giant company.  In general this year has been filled with so much change and stress for our entire family.

That's life lately and I'm praying it can ease up a bit soon.  Maybe even send a bit more happiness, health and peace all our ways.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016


Where there is pain, there will be strength. Where there is sadness, there will be wisdom. And where there is fear, there will be renewal.

Those are the words that came over in a motivational email I subscribe to.  Odd how the universe magically works as those words were exactly what I needed to hear.  Feels like there is so much I'm struggling to make sense of right now, but none more so than this persistent dizziness and accompanying symptoms.

This particular flare up has been lingering in way that is wearing me down.  Feel like I'm missing out on fully living life, doing the things I really want to be doing.  

Truth is I'm an adventurer, who loves to travel, be outdoors, likes to always be doing something but the dizziness has interfered so much over the years causing that side of me to become rather dormant.  
Before the dizziness issues, and before the man I lead a completely different life.  I rarely watched tv, was too busy out doing stuff.  The road trips I used to go on were some of the best times ever, cross country trips always made me feel so alive.  All the places I lived taught me so much.  I miss the wanderlust of those days. The new adventures and all the fun. Even when I was home spent most of that free time adsorbed in books and trying to fill my mind with wisdom. Now I can barely read due to the dizziness.

So when I sit on the couch resting now because my head feels like it's going to explode with pressure and dizziness think to myself what a far cry from those good ole days.  Even makes me laugh as the man would have never been able to keep up with me back then.  

It's amazing how quickly life can change though.  How we all take for granted the good days, worrying about trivial stuff instead of just enjoying those moments for the gifts they are.  Fact is no one truly understands how good they have it until they don't have it anymore. 

Like those words I received earlier we some how need to focus on the good in the midst of the bad. Of course it's easier said than done but most things are.  So today I ask and pray for those very things strength, wisdom, renewal and health. 

Monday, June 13, 2016

Monday Musings

Lately feel like I suck when it comes to blogging, and think its fair to blame on the dizziness.  It's really been rearing itself to the point just looking at a computer screen for a moment brings it on.  I so wanted to do a Woof Wednesday post this week but my brain wasn't cooperating. It feels utterly frustrating when it prevents me from doing something I really want to.  And I know all the stress I've been under is only compounding the problem.

Think it's time to seek out yet more opinions on this dizziness as it's really interfering with everything. Yet given I supposedly saw one of the best neurologists at John Hopkins for it, I'm not very hopeful any other specialists will have any answers either,  The ear specialists I see once a year always tells me she feels bad but that she just doesn't have any answers or cures.   Let me tell you when specialists say that it can quickly deflate any hope. 

Wednesday my mother, sister and I went to exchange my mother's dress for another one.  It didn't fit right and overall she just wasn't feeling the champagne color.  Luckily she found a stunning navy dress, not it just has to be altered a little.  

Friday we went to the Senior PGA golf tournament which was being held locally.  I was a little concerned given the forecast was for bright sun no clouds.  Yeah you guessed it bright sun is another dizzy instigator, what isn't these days.  But I wore a hat, even had a hooded sweatshirt so that helped and also tried to alternate under the shade of the trees as well.  We actually left at 9:30 am and didn't get home until 4:30pm so it was a rather long day.  Funny how when you're doing something fun it always seems to go so fast, and is over before you know it. 

Saturday we went to look at five houses, and only truly liked one but it's pretty much out of our price range so not sure what we are going to do.  The day was very hot and humid by afternoon we each took a little nap before getting ready for a family party. My aunt turned 90 so my cousin threw a rather large family party for her in the condo building she lives in downtown. It was so much fun getting to mingle with family who we rarely get to see.  Many came in from Texas, Virginia, Florida and so on. Not sure the man was fond of going, he tends to complain whenever he has to go to anything not sports relate. Given we've been together for almost a decade and they never met him it was time.  

The man just isn't used to such family gatherings or even such social events as he didn't grow up in that kind of environment or saw much of that.  He might never understand the true bonds of family or how some families actually love to hang out together.  And he seems to think my brother in law gets out of events easily then becomes fixated on it.  I finally told him to shut it that I don't care what anyone does but that I want a man who attends things with me, end of story! haha   Though after two lemonade drinks named after my aunt he seemed to warm up and not be so dang tight.  Then again my extended family are very warm and nice so it's very hard not to feel at home.

Sunday the man slept the day away as I worked on stuff in the office and did some laundry.  For the most part he was getting on my nerves most of the day, probably should have went out. Sometimes that happens though because we are so opposite in nature that I get annoyed when he gets in his zone out mood.  Oh my gosh sometimes I even panic myself when saying that because of the whole marriage thing.  Yeah I know we've made it this long together but sometimes the ways in which we are opposite just drive me crazy and cause too much frustration. I'm for sure way too affectionate and energetic for him. 

Anyway, if it's one thing I do well it's tell it like it is.  :)

I wrote much of this yesterday actually.  Today I've been up since 5am, some how did a thorough cleaning of  the entire house then encountered a rough afternoon and evening of dizziness and strong head pressure so now it's time to chill out!  Though as I always say chilling out doesn't come easy for me I get bored sitting around.

Monday, June 6, 2016

Monday Musings

The weather is sunny and warm, perfect summer day.  I on the other hand feel like one big storm about to unleash it's fiery. ha

The dizziness has been flaring up in a bad way lately, to the point of having to take it easy and rest on couch for two days last week.  It's making sleep very difficult, for some reason sleep has always been an instigator of it.  Something as simply as just trying to turn on my side while sleeping can bring on the horrible vertigo and spinning sensation.  It's one big nightmare.

What makes it so horrible is there is just little the doctors can do, they have no miracle drugs to eliminate it and run out of ideas to even suggest.  So when it's flaring like this I just try my best to make it through each day, but let me tell you it's so hard and eventually takes a toll both physically and mentally.  Not being able to get a good nights sleep, or move without feeling like things are spinning feels torturous at times.  And sometimes there is an intense head pressure that accompanies it.  When the pressure is bad it can even make my body shaky and weak it's as if my muscles spasm out of control.

I'm sure it doesn't help that I've been under an enormous mount of stress these past few months. More than one doctor has warned me to try to remove any and all stress from my life, and to try to find ways to deal with any stress that may pop up.  Much easier said than done.  Should I even be on the computer? No way but I feel the need to let all the feelings out and what better place than my online journal.

Oddly enough sometimes stress isn't all bad, but my body doesn't see it like that so even when I get really excited about something it can bring more of a flight or fight type stress response especially when already overloaded.   Overall I would say there has been both good and bad stress, with the bad stress probably taken more of a toll on the dizziness.

Overall the week was rather busy with a bunch of errands, calls and what not, but thursday and friday kind of got washed out with me having to rest. Saturday we went to a local park for engagement photos which our photographer offered as part of the wedding package. Then we went to see my niece play in her all star softball game. Sunday we met our new realtor, then I spent the afternoon with my mother meeting with a florist and going through photos. Got home only to find myself doing more work in our office room. All the while still battling a dizzy and off balance feeling.

It's hard to believe the wedding is less than three months away now.  Honestly a part of me is a little nervous even though the man and I met a decade ago and have lived together for eight years it still feels like a big deal. More on that another day. ha

Plus there are a lot of little things that need to be done, hence the lists I seem to have scattered all over my desk.  It's amazing all the planning, not to mention fiances, that go into a wedding yet the actual event only lasts a day.  Conveniently the man wanted a traditional wedding yet doesn't seem to be helping that much. Although he was a good sport about the photos on Saturday.

The man hates to be bothered with a bunch of questions, yet he just so happens to be marrying me who loves to ask questions. By nature I'm a very inquisitive type who not only enjoys asking questions but delving into the deeper psych of people.  Probably why I hold a degree in
psychology. :)

Meanwhile, the house search is still very stressful.  The man's lawyer buddy reviewed our realtors contract, well he found some big flaws that could hurt us.  Let's just say all those guarantees and promises the guy made in our first meeting were very misleading, turns out he sneakily put clauses and some things on the buyers contract that wasn't right.  Not to mention he originally told us we could walk at any time from the contract no strings attached but when we asked to do just that he wouldn't with out a new realtor paying a fee.

Seriously only this stuff happens to us.  After much back and forth the mortgage company we are working with found us a new realtor.  The new realtor was rather appalled to hear how the old realtor handled everything.  Feel like we wasted precious time, lost houses we should have gotten but there's nothing we can do now but move onward and upward I suppose.  All we want is a nice, smaller home close to family.

It's so hard to have that think positive attitude sometimes.  Yet if there's any truth to attracting what you think and project than I better start turning around my thoughts and quickly.  You get what you give right?  If that's so than I better start giving off more happy thoughts.  And yet when you're not feeling great it's hard to remain optimistic. Plus I'm more prone to worry about being let down if I think too positive and things don't change for the better. Think it's time to bring back some of that bodacious attitude I had in my twenties to the present.

Well think I've reached my limit on the computer for now, pushed it too much already.  Not to mention I've got a ton of stuff to accomplish and tackle!

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Soul Sunday

Who doesn’t want to be happy? But if you’re waiting for the perfect moment to find happiness, you’re just wasting your time. The moment to be happy is now. If you postpone happiness until you have conditions that suit you, you will never experience it, because happiness is something created, with God’s help, within yourself.

How do you create happiness from the inside out? By following the advice of the Apostle Paul: “Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 2:4). Here are some ways to begin:

1. Take Control. 
Joy comes to those who have power over themselves, who are not conceited or self-absorbed, who do not judge everything by how it relates to them. “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit” (Philippians 2:3).

One of the worst things that can happen to a person is to become the victim of self-love or self-pity. The more you practice self-love, the more aches and pains you will have, the less vitality, the fewer healthy relationships.

2. Find Your Mission. 
Happiness lies in basic and simple things, not in something artificial like the latest technology or exotic vacations. The individual who isn’t doing anything with his life except to serve his own interests and build his own comfort will never know joy and happiness.

The individual who finds something useful to do beyond himself, who gives himself, that person knows joy, real deep joy. And it is Jesus Christ who stimulates people to have a meaningful, happy life. If you want to be happy, expect little and give much. Become like Jesus, who “went about doing good” (Acts 10:38).

3. Trust God. 
Believe that God is in control of every situation. This trust will bring you great inner peace. Be successful if you can, but when you do experience failure, don’t let it throw you. And don’t let success go to your head. Be calm and unruffled in the midst of life. Tense, perfectionist people are not happy. Relax into Christ’s promise, “Be of good cheer; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

4. Cultivate Peace. 
To be happy you have to have a certain amount of inner tranquility, not taking your trials and troubles too seriously, not letting your emotions rule your life. Happiness eludes the super-sensitive or quick-tempered person. Do the best you can, then put the details of your life in God’s hands. Remember, “In quietness and confidence shall be your strength” (Isaiah 30:15).

Rest in the Lord. Wait patiently for Him. Let God direct your thoughts. And you will possess one of the greatest secrets in the world: how to be happy.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Woof Wednesday

Welcome to Woof Wednesday. Please meet some great dogs from CA, NY and PA all in need of good, loving homes!

Carter von Calau is a German Shepherd/Lab mix who is 2 years old. This smiley boy is all happiness and sunshine. Do you want to go for a walk or a hike? Sure. Carter walks right by your side, happy for the breath of fresh air. How about relaxing at home? No problem! This cutie pie shifts gears and curls up right next to you. He is housebroken so you'll get a little nudge from his wet nose when it's time to go outside. This easy-going boy is a lover of all things fuzzy. He makes friends easily with large and small dogs and even cats! If Sir Carter sounds too good to be true, that's because he really is quite that special. He is fostered by a wonderful dog trainer who has brought out the best in him to be the most wonderful boy he was always meant to be. Carter sure would love to be your forever buddy. Please lets find him a loving home!

Carter - Los Angeles, CA

Carter von Calau
Westside German Shepherd Rescue LA
3016 S Hill St
Los Angeles, CA 90007
(310) 202-7283

Anthony Ramos a Terrier mix who is putting himself back into the narrative and heading north to New York. This guy is young, scrappy, and hungry and was so excited to catch his big break out of a Dallas shelter. Anthony is neutered, UTD on vaccines, and microchipped. Please lets find him a great home!

Anthony Ramos - New York, NY

Anthony Ramos
Badass Animal Rescue
Brooklyn, NY 1124

Chris Elliot is a puppy Hound/ Labrador Retriver mix. Newly rescued from a over crowded sheltered he is excited to find a family to love.   Chris is neutered, UTD on vaccines and microchipped. Please lets find him a good home! 

Chris Elliot - New York, NY

Chris Elliot
Badass Animal Rescue
Brooklyn, NY 11249

Jazz is a Shetland Sheep dog who is 4-6 years old and 28 lbs. He is nice boy who wants to play with his ball and you really, really badly. He doesn't want to chase it, he wants you to throw the ball high so he can catch it in his mouth. He's so good, we think he might be a prospect for the Phillies. Jazz' owners no longer had enough time to care for a dog. Jazz gets along with everyone - kids, cats and other dogs and would be a great addition to amy family. Please lets find him a loving home!

Jazz - Philadelphia, PA

Philadelphia Animal Welfare Society
100 N. 2nd Street
Philadelphia, PA 19106
215-298-9680, ext. 16

No paw left behind our mission!

{Please keep in mind a dog is lifetime commitment. They need attention, love and time just like we do. In addition, adding a pet to the family does cost money in the way of food, health care, training,etc. So before adopting make sure you are willing to make that kind of commitment and have the resources to do so.}

If you want to be a part of Woof Wednesdays email Ann Michele, Lauren or leave a comment. Or simply start posting about dogs in need of a home on your blog or facebook page
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