Thursday, March 26, 2015

Losing A Piece Of Happiness

As if the past few years haven't been difficult enough.  Especially this past year after losing Angel, and struggling with this chronic dizziness.  All the man has gone through.  Truthfully at times the burdens have seemed so heavy.  So the other day when I got the call from our landlord saying they are finally ready to move back home my heart sunk.  All I could think was no not the house, it's my happy place.

Maybe no one will even relate to this.  But through all the rough times this little charming cottage house built in 1920 has been my sanctuary of sorts.  A source of happiness.  Not to mention it's filled with memories of Angel, especially the lovely front porch where her and I often sat together. Literally cannot imagine having to leave this house, and all the memories here. 

The house isn't perfect by any means. In fact it actually needs quite a bit of restoration and work, but it's been perfect for us.  Even without a dishwasher.  There wasn't a day I took living here for granted, every day in my prayers I gave gratitude for this house. I love the inside charm it holds....the fireplace, french doors, old claw tub, unique color of the walls in each room, the spacious basement to store stuff.
And for the beautiful front porch. The lovely outdoor gardens that surround the property and even the basketball hoop we play on.

So I don't understand why this is happening now. Many emotions that are hard to put into words.  One of my first thoughts was why God, he knows how much this house means to me. Haven't we already had enough hardships these past few years, now this. One of my neighbors told me to have faith, but my faith feels at an all time low. 

The neighbors are another wonderful aspect of this house.  They are the best, both next doors neighbors are amazing and nice.  We all try to help each other out when needed. They are hard working, good people. The same could be said about the other neighbors around us.  Not to mention Cooper has so many doggie friends who visit just to say hi and play.  Finding neighbors and neighborhoods like ours isn't easy. Leaving the neighbors will be just as sad and heartbreaking.

We honestly don't have much time to find another place as she is talking maybe mid summer.  It took us over a year to find this place as house rentals aren't easy to come by in this area especially within our budget and that are pet friendly too.  The rentals that are available go quickly as there is stiff competition for them.  I really wish we could find something in the same area and neighborhood. So not only do I feel very sad but really stressed and worried. And this kind of stress is not good right now.

Truthfully the plan five years ago was to save up for a down payment for our own home but life had other plans.  Between me having to give up full time work, then the man being out of work for two years things weren't financially ideal.  Hence there was no extra money to put aside to save. We are still working on trying to improve the mans credit.  Finding out this news just as the man started his new job locally feels rather devastating to us.  Especially since he  wanted a job close to home and finally found one.  Just as we are starting to get our feet back on the ground, to have to give up a home we love and try to find another rental now feels defeating.

At this age I just want a house of our own, no more rentals just something real that we can call home and mean it.  A house we can pour our heart and soul into knowing it's truly ours.

As with anything one love it hurts to give it up.  And my heart hurts right now.  Our cottage house means the world to me, it holds so many memories as well and I don't know how to let it go.  It's really hard to let something goes that has brought such happiness. And what if we can't find another house that evokes that feeling of happiness, what then? 

It's brings up so many deeper questions as well as I will never understand life. And wonder why when something good happens does something not good seem to happen too?  Do things happen for reasons, is there any rhyme or reason to it all?  So many questions and thoughts, yet little answers.

Here is a photo captured during the summer a few years back with our little Angel.  And another recent one during snow. Our piece of happiness that we wish we could hold onto forever. 

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