Friday, January 9, 2015

Whirling World

Whirling is how I would describe my life with dizzy spells and vertigo.  The sensation that everything is spinning has got to be one of the worst.  Not being able to move some days without feeling like my world is spinning feels like torture. Even closing my eyes to try to sleep it off can make the sensation worse. Other days it's swaying sensation like the feeling of being on a boat during rough seas.  The nausea that can sometimes occupies it is comparable to seasickness.

Truth is the longer it lingers the more it disrupts other areas of the body.  Which makes sense because think about it, if your brain feels like it is on a merry go round it's going to set off other systems as well.

While I know things like using the computer should be avoided the boredom of not being able to do anything has pushes me to write.  Probably as a way to release all the pent up feelings. I've grown so tired of feeling this way, of some days not being able to even remember what it feels like to just feel normal.  The not being able to watch tv, use computer, read a book, do yoga, exercise, sit in the sun, move my head, walk a straight line, take a shower or even simply sleep some days is wearing me down.  Not to mention I can avoid all the things that seem to bring it on and still get an attack any way.  It's such a helpless feeling. And the whirling well it's just plain dreadful. 


Its frustrating, especially when the doctors have no answers.  While I look forward to this approaching appointment at John Hopkins, there is a part of me that feels apprehensive and scared.  What if some of the best experts on dizziness and vertigo have no answers either?  What then....

There were moments over the summer where I thought the dizziness was getting better, I felt so hopeful that it was all behind me.  That some how it had magically healed itself.  But then I had some vertigo episodes come fall followed by dizzy spells once again.  Leading to what currently seems like a never ending pattern of dizziness.  Any hope I felt about it getting better have all but disappeared.  My faith being tested as I struggle to understand why, or if there is even a why or purpose to it.  At this point, if there is a lesson to be learned within these dizzy spells I'm too overwhelmed and failing to understand it.

I don't think anyone gets used to feeling this way. This seems like the longest the spells have stuck around in a while. They would come and go before but for weeks now they have seemingly lingered.  Boredom and restlessness are setting in.  Along with a host of other emotions I won't even go into detail about. 

All I know is it keeps me from doing the things I desire and love, it holds me back in so many ways.  Essentially it keeps me from living life to the fullest. No matter how hard I try to accept it or even fight it, it refuses to simply go away. And yes even had a few pity parties along the way too. ha

It's one of the reasons why I get frustrated with the man when he lays on the couch for days at a time doing nothing, because I would give anything not to have to lay on the couch.   To be able to do anything I desired.  We all take so much for granted, that's something I realize now more than ever.  If you have your health that is the real wealth in life because you can do anything. And I mean anything. If you can do anything than why not appreciate every moment of that and do everything.
 
Life can be so unpredictable.  Never in a million years would I have imagined being stuck with this dizziness and whirling sensations as long as I have. That's the thing though none of us know what awaits us each day but the most important thing we can ever do is to simply live each day to the fullest while we can.

Meanwhile I will keep trying, hoping and praying to feel better soon.  I'm always open to any suggestions as well.  For anyone that might come across this post I have one request though, if you don't mind.  Given I have tried the medical route with little success, I'd like to try prayer.  If you believe in the power of prayer, and even if you don't, could you pray for me.  Maybe just a simple prayer for overall healing?  I'd be so grateful.

Now go do something you love because if you can, you should.

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