Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Marriage

Tend to be surprised when people ask personal questions such as "when are you getting married" "have you talked about marriage" "why aren't you married yet" and the other numerous questions one seems to get asked when in a relationship but not yet married. Being in that category I am quite familiar with what at times feels like the inquisition.

And as friends and former co workers of ours, who have been together much less longer than us get married, marriage is something I ponder. As far as I'm concerned marriage is a sacred thing.  A vow only to be taken if one can remain true to the virtues associated with it.  I have always felt that the person we choose to marry should be someone we deeply connect with on many, if not all levels.  Not because of who they are, what they do, own, have, look like or even out of convenience.  No I'm talking about a much deeper soul connection.

It's something I don't take lightly, some times haven't exactly been open to it and for most my life didn't exactly come across.  Maybe with my first love but obviously there were lessons still needed to be learned.  Quite truthfully I was not always great with relationships either, though maybe because for whatever the reason that soulful connection remained elusive.  Honestly there were times I felt down about it. As had hoped to happen upon a soul mate and marry much earlier, but I suppose for whatever reason it wasn't meant to be.

Fast forward to the questions.  While the man and I have been together almost eight years, and known each other even longer people always seem to want to know why we aren't married.  Sometimes it's a question that leaves me feeling puzzled as well.  As I think to myself where has time gone.  When Angel was alive the man would say don't worry she will be around for our wedding one day.  That meant more than anything. Yet time passed all too quickly, as did she. And with it my desire to marry in some way seem to fade.

Suppose in some ways living with someone for over seven years makes you feel as you are already married.  Except legally you aren't, miss out on some benefits as well, plus the vow of through better and worse hasn't officially been taken. Sometimes think that dating or living together too long before marriage takes away from the sacredness and specialness of marriage as well.  There are moments I envy those friends of ours who just went and got married after only a few years together.  In some regards it feels more romantic and spontaneous.

Of course I haven't hidden the man's battle, or how issues associated with it took a toll at times.  It's been a recovery process of sorts. Stressful as well.  Some of the changes I thought it would bring it hasn't exactly.  It also made me aware of differences.  Amazing what a little perspective and time can do.  I have grown and evolved on many levels. Desiring things I may not even have thought or valued before.

It's amazing all I have learned.  Truth is I'm not getting married until I feel those deeper connections are true, and know the virtues I desire are genuine and real. One of the most important lesson I've learned is that words mean little if actions don't back them up. And action is what I need as words have meant little over the years.

Dependability, trust, honesty, loyalty, love, compassion, understanding, good communication, unselfishness, fun, common interests, are some of the musts. Things I've learned throughout the years that every relationship needs at it's core.  Most importantly to me is someone who doesn't need to be nagged, yet gets stuff down. Whether it be raking leaves, cutting lawn, putting away laundry, clean a house, cook a meal, walk the dog, plan a date or balance a check book, basically step up to help their partner in any way possible. Even more important someone who will be supportive, loving through the good or bad times, and capable of pure, selfless love. 

So when people ask those questions I usually just say your guess is as good as mine.  Or deflect the question to the man seeing men seem to get asked it less than women.

If life wants me to be married it will find a way to let me know and make it happen. And hopefully those who mean the most to me are there to share it with me. That's all that really matters.  Oh and the beach of course.














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