Friday, October 17, 2014

First Loves

Maybe it has to do with the fact that I've been having unusual dreams about love, some even with ex boyfriends appearing in them, but lately I've been thinking about first loves. 

First loves have the potential to shape our lives, especially our love lives.  They can affect the choices and even paths we decide to take.

Looking back still some how remember the moment I met my first love.  Blond surfer hair,  blue eyes, tall athletic build, with great style.  Just like in the movies our eyes met and the rest was history. Of course in a club no less. ha  Yet there was an indescribable connection. 

But circumstances eventually unwillingly tore us apart.  The details would make for a great Nicholas Spark romance novel.  And how deeply it hurt losing someone I imagined spending my life with.  Looking back it's amazing to see how much that experience shaped everything after.

When it came to love before and even after I seemed to tire of relationships, that elusive deeper connection felt missing.  Yet something changed after my first love, felt like the deeper connections became less important, in a sense maybe out of protection. Some how I began to concern myself with rather superficial things, and less of what truly mattered.

That alone led down a road filled with ups and downs.  When your looking for the wrong things your of course going to attract them or at least find them.  Until suddenly you wake up one day and realize just how much you sacrificed.  Yet learning so much in the process, that maybe you would have never learned if you had not gone down that path in the first place. But also feeling like you wasted precious time trying to figure it all out.

And even finding that all those walls you tried to put up to protect your heart from those first love hurts, well they didn't really protect it any way.  That in shutting it off those feelings will eventually make themselves known some how, some where and maybe when you least expect it.

While may never understand the dreams I have, it could simply be my heart is trying to get my attention. I realize everything is a teacher and lesson in disguise.  

What I have learned is we all need love, not to settle for love or build walls against it.  But instead find that kind of love that makes our hearts and souls soar. It's not about finding the perfect person, no it's about finding that imperfect person that is right for us. That kind of love that connects on all levels and makes us want to be a better person. A love that is genuine, honest, faithful, loyal, unselfish, compassionate, understanding, non judging and feels safe to be yourself in. A feeling of sorts that is often hard to explain. 

Some people are lucky enough to find that kind of love first try, others it may take a while but it's out there some where.  And no one is going to find it until they are open and ready for that kind of love. Either way first loves, and even loves after have the potential to shape our paths, whether for good or bad.  So why not find a way to let it be good.

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