Friday, August 1, 2014

How Many Lies Is Too Many?

When I was younger always believed that any lie was too many.  Though still seemed to forgive most even if it was hard to trust them again.  Honestly some lies are easier to forgive than others especially if people are just trying to protect you. But as I got older for some reason seemed to become more forgiving. Willing to not only forgive but give second chances.  Maybe I realized how hard life can be, that people aren't perfect but if they are willing to commit to changing then it's worth trying to forgive.

But one has no idea the depths another can lie until they encounter a habitual liar.  Lets face it being lied to on a consistent basis is not only frustrating but disrespectful.  And hurtful.

It's said that lying goes hand in hand with addictions.  In fact, it's the first thing they inform loved ones of an addict.  To me it always sounded like a bunch of bs.  Like people let off addicts for lying simply because they have an addiction.

None the less, when the man began the recovery process back in May of 2013 lying was a huge thing that needed to be addressed.  But instead of working on himself he choose to recover by laying on the couch, zoning to tv,etc.  He avoided help because he felt there was no one anything could do or say to help him. He would not even work the steps.  He insisted no one/nothing could make him stop using pills or change anything about him but himself.  In his opinion it was just a sheer matter of will power.

I disagreed, as everyone needs help at one time or another. It helps to have a support system to fall back on, if nothing else but to just listen. And felt counseling was very much needed. He blamed everything on using pills, they were the reason he  gambled, lied, etc. But as most know usually there are deeper issues than just the addiction. And now I feel deeply worried.

Over a year later the man doesn't seem much better. He still hasn't recovered physically nor mentally. Some of those bad habits he was going to work on haven't changed so much.  And well it appears though the lying seemed dormant for a while it may be back.

I say this because just last night he's tweeting a person on twitter that he has built and sold two businesses already, when in fact he has done no such thing.  It reminded me of the outlandish things he would say while using. It left me with that pit feeling in stomach.

It's puzzling why he feels the need to lie to anyone like that.  Does he feel that bad about himself that he has to make up lies to make himself feel and sound successful to others?  If I were to ask him why he has to make up such lies, he would probably still not have an answer.  He doesn't seem to understand why he makes up such things.

It bothers me. Bothers me because recently he lied or well kept things from me, about stuff he didn't even need to.  I worry that his lying goes beyond his addiction issues, and that the lying is an addiction in itself.

When the men initially went into recovery I gave the man the benefit of the doubt, agreed to forgive his wrongs because truly believed he meant what he said about changing and putting the past behind us.  Starting a new happy life together. But any lie now, even a little one, even if not told to me.... concerns me.  Because part of recovery from addiction is changing ones negative habits and ways, that includes such issues as lying.

Truth is there is nothing pleasant about lying.  It hurts. It makes you feel like the person you live with is a stranger of sorts.  I'm not sure how to handle it. Yeah while this last lie wasn't directly told to me, it was still completely outlandish and not necessary.

If you feel puzzled at times like me by others lying here are great articles about Common Reasons  or if looking for a little more in depth there's How To Spot A Liar or Why People Lie.

As for me I feel confused, disappointed and don't understand why we live in a world where people feel they need or have to lie, especially to the ones closest to them.  If I could say one thing to everyone out there in this vast world of ours it would be this. "You are good enough just the way you are. You don't need to lie to get ahead, be successful, liked or loved.  Just be yourself and eventually the right friends, lovers, careers and whatever else will find you"

And think this says it even better....

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