Monday, June 2, 2014

Monday Musings

Life has felt out of sorts lately.  So much has happened, good and not so good.  But haven't felt much like blogging.  Which is rare for me as usually I'm sharing too much with the world.

Can't believe already a month has gone by since I lost my sweet Angel.  She will always hold a very special piece of my heart. Miss her so much. But we decided the house was too quiet, lonely and sad without her. So we recently welcomed Cooper into our lives, and look forward to our adventures with him. 

While it wasn't easy to do as there was such a strong sense of guilt. Never want Angel to think we replaced her as she could never be replaced. He is simply a new puppy with his own personality who can help bring life and love back into ours. Maybe even help heal the pain we all feel with his joy.  One thing is for sure our world has been turned upside down. He will get his own introduction post as well.

While I was leaning toward an older rescue dog the man wanted a puppy.  My first thought was did he realize how much work a puppy is. The sleepless nights and all that goes into training a puppy. This is the guy who likes to spend all day on couch watching tv not being disturbed. So I felt like most of it would fall onto my shoulders.  He promised he was ready for the responsibility but so far he's not showing it. While he sleeps, watches tv, tweets and works on his computer I'm doing most the puppy chores. He hasn't fed our little guy once yet. And even when he is watching him he is either preoccupied with computer or napping on couch. While cooking dinner I told him Cooper had to go out, so he tells me after Judge Judy. Puppies cannot wait, so of course puppy pees in house while waiting. It's disappointing and frustrating. Really hoping it gets better!

Speaking of the man, oddly enough Angel passed on his one year anniversary of sobriety.  What a year it's been. While he has remained clean of pain pills not much has changed....still prefers to zone to tv over doing things, no luck finding a job and still doesn't help much around the house. (except maybe watering outside)  Still a lot of debt to be paid off, mean while more accrues. His license got suspended because of the seizure yet he continues to drive. So I have mixed feelings over this year. Thought sobriety would bring an enlightenment of sorts but not so sure it has.  

Losing Angel while incredibly painful has in a sense opened my eyes.  It's amazing how short life is and we only get once chance to get it right. I realize there has been a sort of unhappiness or frustration in particular areas of my life the past few years. Angel was such a happy spot it was easy to overlook the not so great ones.  Through out the years, especially during those dark times with the man and even the health stuff, Angel was the light. Now that shes gone there feels like a gaping hole. Yet a clarity of sorts as well.

It's odd how that happens.  Sometimes clarity comes when we least expect it.  And those moments of clarity make you wonder why you didn't see them sooner.  How I wish I had known a long time ago what has become so clear now.  Some of the stress, the unhappiness could have been avoided along the way.

That's the amazing part of life....if we keep our hearts, minds and souls open to learning we can grow into the people we were meant to be.  We can open ourselves to enlightenment and growth or we close ourselves off.  Another thing I learned is not everyone grows with us. I have to remind myself that it's not my responsibility to show someone what they need to learn or understand they must find it on their own, in their own way. And when people in our life don't want to change, it doesn't mean we can't.

Oh clarity where were you years ago, if only I knew the wisdom I know now years ago. So many ideas and thoughts.  As if a bright light bulb finally went on.  Though maybe life tried to show me these things years ago but I wasn't ready, or maybe too close off to understand. Thinking about the past, wondering about the future and trying to concentrate on the present.

But most importantly I realize the focus in my life has changed.  I feel more centered on living a life focused on faith, goodness, honesty, unconditional love, kindness, meaningful friendships/relationship, spirituality, positive things and most importantly happiness.  Want to surround myself with fun, honest, kind, hard working, positive, spiritual, loving people.

There is a quote by John Wooden that I think says it all "If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?" Something to think about this Monday.....

If only the me back then understood that and knew what I know now.


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