Saturday, June 7, 2014

Happiness Clarity

Any time spent unhappy is time wasted.  As I read those words this morning they resonated with me.

And if it's true, well than honestly there have been moments over the past couple of years that could be considered time wasted.  Looking back I wonder why I put up with anything less than  happiness?

For various reasons, many of my dreams, desires and happiness were over looked. Sometimes that can happen because of the choices we make. Yet choosing anything but happiness only sets us up for regret later.

As I mentioned the other day Angel's passing brought a clarity of sorts that has really begun to open my soul to the truth.  Often hear people talk about regret, while I have some there is one that stands out and hurts. So far that regret is that Angel never got to be in my wedding.  Every day since her passing it tears at my heart.

From the moment she came into my life, always dreamed of her and I walking down the aisle together.  Some one loving her as much as I did and wanting her to be a part of their life forever too.  Her in a light pink dressing trotting alongside me in the sand during a beautiful beach wedding.  Standing beside me as we made those vows of commitment and love.  Even though it will never be now, I will forever hold that dream in my heart.

It brings up all kinds of emotions. Anger and sadness probably most at the fore front.  How did the man not know how important it was to me?  For years he kept saying don't worry she will be around to see it happen, but it felt more like another broken promise. Why when it became evident my dream would never become a reality did I just accept it?  How did I let so much wasted time go by? Why did I put up with some of the things I did?  How did I not see the fundamentally different beliefs, values and even habits.

It just seems like there has always been some issue that had to be resolved before we could even think about something as serious as marriage. Truth is with his addictions and debt there was never any money for a ring, wedding, house, etc.  Hurtful actions and words with little remorse throughout the years caused walls to go up, distrust to form and a once happy place in my heart to hurt. Only now do I realize the toll its taken, the cost it came with.  Honestly not sure if it all can be healed. But feel as if a breaking point of sorts has arrived things must change. They need to change to allow for happiness, and even love.

While I'm not perfect, some of the health stuff especially dizziness have sidelined me from at times leading the life I truly desire. Think those things kept me from seeing how I deserved better at times.  No one should ever settle for being treated with less then the utmost kindness, love and respect. But I have tried hard to remain open, to work on myself and to become a better person.

Throughout all of the challenges there have been many life lessons learned, it helped my soul grow in ways I never imagined.  Shaped me into an overall better person. I've grown deeper, wiser as have my beliefs and values. It took losing Angel to really put things in perspective.  If only my little one was here to share any future happiness with.

Because I don't want to spend a moment unhappy now.  Life is just too short. Our time here is precious and we all need to make the most of it.   Dreams are important. And having people in our lives that believe and support those dreams is equally as important. If our loved ones cannot get on board with our dreams, if their idea of happiness is different than ours than maybe they aren't meant to be a part of our lives. We cannot let the toxic negative action/behavior/habit of others rob us of our happiness. I've learned that others should lift us up not break us down.

Everyone learns their lessons at their own pace, truth is some may never learn but we must continue to focus on happiness. Truth is happiness should outweigh unhappiness, when it doesn't it's time to change things until it does.  We need to surround ourselves with those who make us happy.

All I know is I let an important dream slip by, it's something I will always regret. A piece of happiness was stolen from me.  Yet it has taught me a valuable lesson, life waits for no one. We must go after our dreams, we must listen to our heart, live in authenticity, fill our lives with real unconditional love, face our fears, let the negative people and situations go, do whatever it takes to create that happiness our soul deserves.

Life is full of choices, choices that can lead to happiness or unhappiness. 

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