Monday, May 12, 2014

Monday Musings

A week.  One week how can that be?  It already feels like decades since I've held, kissed, snuggled and touched my little one. My heart and soul deeply hurt. Since losing Angel it feels as if the color has gone out of my world.  

There is nothing else to want to share or write about as she consumes my thoughts right now.  She always has and always will.  When she came into my world 13 years ago never imagined the depth of love I would feel for her, or how she would quickly become my world.

We all knew her diagnosis of Pulmonary Fibrosis was not good.  There are no cures, just treatments as they try to slow the progression and help with symptoms.  She seemed to be responding well to the medicine, which in some way gave me a false sense of hope.  Thought for sure she had more time then just a few months.

Even a specialist we visited seemed hopeful the medication would control it for a while, she told us she had heard worse crackles in the lungs than our little girl's.  After that appointment I felt so hopeful that medicine would manage enough to at least have another year or two with her. I just wanted more time to love, hold, snuggle, play and most of all spoil her! (even though most my family and friends inform me I did a very good job of spoiling her, but in my opinion I wanted to spoil her even more)

Then it happened, constant panting began last Thursday night.  Even though during the day she seemed better each night she would heavily pant.  She had experienced a similar episode two weeks earlier but increasing medicine seem to help it.  But now it seemed she was losing the ability to find comfortable positions to lay and she was only able to sleep two hours at a time, if that.  Snuggling became hard for her. Increased the medicines but it didn't seem to help. Took her to the vet on Saturday they felt her gums were pink which meant she was still receiving enough oxygen.  She suggested pain medicine to help calm down the panting and help her sleep.  It didn't work nor even help a little. Saturday night she was up heavily panting yet again.

Saturday we felt hopeful that maybe things might turn around.  We bought her fresh salmon, donuts and even water ice for the weekend. 

Sunday the panting seemed to increase throughout the day, by evening the little girl who loved food suddenly could not eat nor barely drink. She didn't even want her special treats. Oh how I regret not getting those for her sooner.  Though she got home cooked meal every night we wanted something even more special. We increased the medicine to little avail. That's when I knew things were not good.  She settled down for a little but then things spiraled downwards. She heavily panted, seemed to gasp for air at points, could feel her little body was slowly giving out.  We stayed up all night with her, trying to comfort her in any way we could.  But knew she was suffering terribly and that difficult decision I feared was upon us.

If any one knows or has witnessed someone suffering from pulmonary fibrosis it's a cruel disease.  It basically hardens the lungs making it impossible to breath. The vet even thought she may have developed a lung clot. She was such a sweet, loving girl it just didn't seem fair that she had to even suffer a little. It was so hard to see her in such a state. We held on so tight thinking that maybe love alone could heal her. But the little girl fought hard her entire life with various ailments that we knew it was time to let her experience peace from her suffering.

But now it all seems like some distant dream, that it can't possibly be a reality.  Honestly don't remember life before her and not sure how to handle it without her. A part of my heart and soul is missing.  Life feels so empty, cold, lonely, quiet, etc, without her.  My heart is completely broken. I keep thinking could we have done more, given higher doses of medicine, etc., yet I think deep down it was simply her time.  Yet grief is an interesting thing because it brings an array of emotions up anger, guilt, depression and so on.  Just cannot accept, believe or fathom that she is gone. There are just no words to describe how I feel.  Just miss her terribly.

The house is so quiet without her.  The man and I are trying to deal with it in our own ways.  Some days are more frustrating and harder than others. Neither of us are sleeping much, nor have much appetite.  There's a sense of numbness right now.  Maybe with time the pain will lessen but the missing and longing to be reunited will not.  She will always hold a part of my heart. 

Plan on writing a post about her life, as she was an amazing little soul and her story is such an inspiration. Hope and pray that she is free from suffering now, that she is in the arms of God and that he will reunite us one day. She will always be a part of my heart and soul.  Love you always and forever my little Angel. 

1 comment :

  1. This post just breaks my heart. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. Losing our canine companions is so incredibly hard. Words can't take away the sorrow you're feeling but just know I'm sending you a virtual hug. I'm sorry


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