Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Monday Musings

This Monday life seems like a mix of ying/yang lately.  For every happy moment there seems a not so happy one. While I know life cannot be all joyous moments just believe and wish there could be more.  And sometimes I've been struggling with how much to share here.  My nature is to share things.

Saturday I spent the day with my mother, we did a little shopping and had a nice lunch.  It felt so good to be out doing something.  Even if the weather was monsoon like.  Literally for three days straight we had heavy rain.  If it's not snow, it's rain....beginning to feel as if we live in the northwest not the northeast.  My father also stopped by to help me turn on the outside faucet.  It's an old pipe that takes a lot of muscle to turn, since I was unsuccessful he volunteered to help.

The man spent the weekend on couch watching tv, working on his sports site, plus his new fixation twitter.  He didn't even get off the couch when my family came over, nor offer to help my father.  He doesn't want to do much of anything these days, when I ask if he wants to do something usually get a maybe. And I've been doing all indoor/outdoor house work for awhile now.

For over a year it's been challenging between his addiction, rehab, resigning from work, accrued debts, seizure, etc, certain things I thought might improve when he got clean haven't exactly.  Other then quitting the pain pills he never changed/worked on himself. And that couples counseling he promised never came to be. He seems more withdrawn, moody and in ways unkind after getting clean and especially after the seizure in December.  When I try to talk to him he tends to stare at the tv/computer. Ask more than one question and he gets upset. He insists he is fine but we worry about him. They say it can take years for the brain/body to adjust so maybe that's just the case. Hence why I haven't spoken about it for a while. And my plans to write about addiction, recovery, enlightenment, etc, kind of fell apart.

Can only say it's all a work in progress, and along the way I'm finding myself feeling some what overwhelmed, lonely, hurt by his unkind moments and missing the fun we used to have. It's tough to admit and express in words. Now that he's home 24/7 he's physically here yet in other ways he feels absent.

So when I saw this flower blooming outside today it gave me hope. It bloomed despite the unkind cold weather, little sun and nurturing.  So maybe the challenges we face now are lessons to be learned and maybe they will eventually turn into something amazing.  Sort of like the seeds being planted for something more beautiful to grow?  Life is not perfect, we are not perfect but with a little hope, faith, love, kindness, nurturing and work I do believe anything can grow into something beautiful and great.  And I pray that we can get back to those small things that make life amazing.








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