Thursday, May 16, 2013

Challenge

Today I decided to link up with Jenni's challenge.  I have seen quite a few blogs partaking in her challenge this month so decided why not give it a try? 

Write about something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it.

The first thing that comes to mind is all the health issues I have encountered over the years. They have been challenging, mysterious, scary and altered my life in various ways.

The dizziness has been the most puzzling. Years ago while spending hours on the computer for work I started developing odd dizzy spells.  Literally thought I was having a seizure as it felt like my brain was being zapped.  I would be working on computer then next thing I knew my brain felt as if it had been dropped kicked....the room would whirl, my eyes felt cross, a sense of not being able to move, tingling down my left arm and leg, my brain felt dazed as if I had just been knocked out.  Even reading and watching tv became hard.  To make it worse I would get vertigo out of the clear blue as well.  And that spinning could go on for hours, in the midst of an attack I would have to try to crawl to a safe place to sit. Any little movement would make the spinning worse, which brought on horrible nausea as well.

Saw experts in neurology, cardiology, ophthalmology, neuro opthalmology, otolaryngology, otology,
physical therapy, etc.. They had theories but no concrete diagnosis or solution. They theorized it could be due to head injuries when I was younger as I display symptoms similar to athletes that have sustained concussions, could be damage to nerves within the ear, could even be related to cervical spine issues, oh they have a list of theories. They tried various medicines, even physical therapy but nothing brought any substantial relief. In various ways it cost me a lot, including financially as I had to give up working. Plus vertigo can be hard to understand as sufferers look okay on the outside.

During this period also found out I have a leaking heart valve on top of a tachycardia I take medicine for even though the vertigo is horrible, this in my opinion is even worse.  Since I'm baring all here I will say that the heart stuff scares me more than anything.  I have difficulty even talking about it. Then of course there is the Interstitial Cystitis, ovarian cyst/fibroid, what they believe could be Sjogrens and a few other things I don't feel comfortable getting into right now.  The health stuff has been extremely difficult....all the money spent, the hopes that got raised only to be let down, the fear and not knowing, the suffering at times, the lack of answers, the not being able to work and honestly the sheer unknown of it all.  I spent a lot of time asking why, why me and why was I given all this health stuff. 

At first I worked real hard to try to overcome it all.  But than I realized it wasn't so much about overcoming it as learning to accept it.  Possibly the hardest thing for a control freak like myself to do.  On some level I wanted to believe I could control all of it.  But then I realized when I did all the doctors told me to do, and did not feel better that maybe some things cannot be controlled, cured or necessarily overcome.  Sometimes it's simply about learning to accept them for what they are.  Learning to create and live a new life in spite of them.  And yet also remain open to trying new treatments when they come up.

Wish I could say I have learned to fully accept all the health issues for what they are, but it's still a work in progress. Some days the health stuff leaves me paralyzed in fear, sometimes I feel very envious of those with perfect health, sometimes it does get me down and all I wish is to be healed.  Yet I try to focus on the positive as well.  Had I not been given this lot maybe I would have never come to appreciate all I do now.  Suppose it brought a sort of enlightenment of sorts.

Before all the health issues my mindset tended to dwell on the more superficial aspects of life.  It's like I was going through the motions of life but not really comprehending the important stuff.  But all the health stuff really opened my world up to what really matters, who really matters and what's most important in life. It's added a depth to me, to my world that I might not have been able to find or see without it.  Honestly I have a new found respect for life, our bodies and the universe around us than I would have ever had, had this stuff not happened.  Not only that but a deep desire to help others as well.

The simplest things make me happy these days, because you have no idea how special those things are until you cannot do them.

Some days I cannot help but wonder if we are given these certain lots in life to help make us into who we are meant to be?  Or to make those around us into who they are meant to be?  Maybe we all need to learn different things, in different ways to become the best we can be?   Deep down we all have weaknesses, imperfections and difficulties in our own ways.  And the uniqueness of each one of us can help each other grow and learn more than if we were all the same right?

Don't get me wrong, it still scares me some days, and there are still bad days but those days only make me appreciate the good ones that much more.  And you know that saying when life hands you lemons make lemonade....those words have become somewhat of a motto around here!

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