Saturday, September 15, 2012

Life and Vertigo

Vertigo blows, it does.  A simple errand can become an impossible task some days.  Driving is the biggest hindrance when feeling the dizziness, as it's not exactly safe to drive when the world feels like it's spinning.  And so sometimes those simple things we take for granted become difficult.  It can be extremely frustrating.  It seemed to be slowly improving until until recently when it flared up. As have a few other health things that are equally hard to deal with.

It's also amazing how such situations teach us who we can depend on, trust and who we cannot.  We just assume certain people will be there when things are tough, or will be understanding but that's not always the case.  Sometimes people just don't get it or have it not in their nature. (And yes please come back tomorrow if your not in the mood to hear my inner thoughts. As this is one of those journal type entries.) ha

Maybe that's one of the worst aspects the feeling of helplessness and even loneliness that can ensue with vertigo.  There are some weeks when the vertigo and other symptoms stick around, when that happens it can be so isolating being stuck at home 24/7.  Or not being able to do something important, or that may need to  get done.  

Then of course there is the man who isn't exactly an understanding person and would be content never to leave the couch.  So when he isn't at work he doesn't want to be bothered to do anything.  He wants to zone to the tv.   But when the weekends arrive I'm itching to get out of the house to do something, anything.  Plus, everything around the house, any work falls on me or nothing gets done. 

I'm not used to so much resting, growing up my parents would work 60+hrs a week and they rarely rested as much as the man does.  On weekends they spent their time working around the house, going out or playing with us,etc. Even the people before the man they never sat all weekend on the couch. So  suppose I'm just not accustomed to it nor understand it. Truth be told I get bored and restless sitting on the couch all day.  

And yes a part of me feels resentful when I ask him to have a date night or help me out and he complains/gets annoyed.  Those are the moments I just feel like screaming "what is that interesting on tv or have you lost all interest in life or do you realize how much I do".  Sometimes I even think how can you love someone and not want to help them or do fun things with them. 

It doesn't help that it was suppose to be our beach mini weekend vacation, the one we have been talking about since Spring, but the mans procrastination lead to that not happening yet again.  We have not taken a vacation in years. Since turning 35 he has no desire to do anything, and I mean anything. At this point I think even talking is an annoyance for him. 

We used to do so much more, even in the summer weekends involved some kind of golf but he hasn't even wanted to do that, or even go to a baseball game.  Used to look forward to weekends but now not so much.  So between life with vertigo and his couch potato ways, feel like we spend more time watching life than living it.  

Oh I know it could be worse, and I should not complain!  But some days it's just necessary to release the pent up emotions and thoughts. And it's one of those days. Those off health days will especially do that to one. Sometimes one just needs to release the stress and/or negative stuff that builds up by writing about it. 

But I keep this in mind as well "If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul"

All I know is I miss the good ole days....

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