Tuesday, February 7, 2012


Have you ever felt shattered by words, words that seem to dig so deeply they take your breath away and leave your soul feeling bare.  That leave your dreams, hopes, and heart feeling like they are not only hanging in peril but may be dashed forever.  What you thought to be so real and true may not be.  The feeling as if you may not be able to recover, that those words alone may just bring your whole world crashing down. 

That's a little of how I felt yesterday.  Only to wake hoping maybe it was all  just a dream, but then feeling the intense emotions realizing it wasn't. 

Life can be like that sometimes.  It can feel so amazingly, wonderful yet at other times so utterly, painful.  Both hard to put into words.

Given I was told to remain as stress free as possible this is not a good time to feel this way.  Then again is there ever a good time.  It's always going to have a detrimental affect on the body.  Something which I simply cannot afford at this point.  Which brings me to the question, how does one remain calm in the face of intense emotions especially hurt or pain?  Is it even possible.

 And I don't mean to be vague but sometimes details are simply too much.

Sometimes I worry because it feels that whenever I am even remotely happy or open my heart to others, to life, and what not, that life has this way of seemingly taking it away.   And when that happens I find myself having trouble freely opening my heart, soul and life to others.  I instead try to build a protective cocoon.  You know.....don't feel too happy, give too much, show too much love, trust too much, etc because it won't last. But that isn't any way to live life either.  As I've always believed the only way to live a great life is to be open and give all one has got.  To respect, love, forgive, be kind, loyal, open, true, compassionate, to not judge others, to give,etc.

But along this journey of life things can get confusing.  Like why some people seem to be blessed with all the ups and little downs, yet others seem to have nothing but downs and little ups.  Why do some peoples dreams all come true and others can't seem to even attain one.  Are those people with all the ups and dream come trues privilege to some secret that others aren't.  Is it predestined the things we go through or do we ourselves create them with our free will? 

So many thoughts running through my mind. Pardon if I seem to be a little all over the place.  Hoping I can get past the intense emotions I feel.  That I will be strong enough to deal with it all in a way that won't take a further toll on my body.  Praying that soon those long held dreams and wishes of mine might start coming true.  And trying to remind myself of this.....