Thursday, January 5, 2012


So the New Year is definitely not starting out how I desired.  In fact the past two nights I have been kept awake by skipped heart beats, technical names pacs or pvcs.  So not fun.  In fact they terrify me. (supposedly everyone gets them but not everyone feels them a stat I'm not sure I believe)

Oh throughout the years I've had all kinds of tests, they found I have some kind of tachycardia so I was put on medication.  Something I've been on for many years now but I still seem to go through periods where I get these skips.  Especially when under any kind of stress. And even any kind of stomach issues like IBS can set them off, not to mention hormones.  Even vestibular dysfunction can effect the heart.

It's why when the vertigo issues cropped up, then being informed I have a moderate leaking heart valve they have to keep an eye on as well, not to mention finding a lump in my boob that I just thought oh no this is too much for one person to handle.

I just kept thinking I'm too young for all this but I guess things like this don't age discriminate.  And that we are all susceptible at any age to health problems of any kind.  I've come to realize that good health is a true wealth.

Here's my problem when I feel any of these sensations my body automatically seems to release adrenaline creating a very powerful flight or fight response in my body which can make everything else that much worse. It leads to an all out panic mode.  And from my many years of studying psychology I know it's the worst mode to go into when experiencing such things because it will only contribute to making them worse.

That's where acceptance comes in.  Any expert will tell you learning to accept the uncomfortable physical sensations helps to reduce them and avoid the often times vicious cycle of skip panic anxiety skip. But let me tell you accepting uncomfortable physical symptoms for me is like trying to climb Mt Everest.  Seriously when my heart feels like its turning over or produces a strong thump, or the room starts spinning how is anyone suppose to remain calm.

I'm hyper to begin with hence very easy stimulated.  And I admit very fearful of not feeling well.  So how do I even begin to try to accept these odd physical sensations that make me feel down right yucky.  And what am I'm suppose to do with all the adrenaline my body releases.  Accept. Accept.  I keep trying to tell myself that. 

Even admitting this or showing what I consider a weakness to others is so tough.  I literally try to hide from the world and even those that love me when I don't feel well because I don't want them seeing me in that state.  Deep down I guess I fear they will leave me if they see such an imperfection, or somehow view me as weak. And I never want to be a burden on anyone or be so dependent either.  I've always been independent so to suddenly have to rely on others has been tough.  It's what I think a bird must feel when put in a cage, and not able to fly freely whenever it so chooses.

I've learned it's challenging to remain positive in the face of adversity.  You see I have always felt strongly about projecting positive thoughts even when one doesn't exactly feel them.  The whole power of positive thinking, but now I understand how it is much easier said then done. And though people can be told to think positive it may not be that simple for many.  I still believe in the power of thought, it's just finding a way to harness that power into each of our lives, finding ways to not let the negative take over can be tricky for sure.

They say God doesn't give people more then they can handle but sometimes I wonder about that, as I'm not handling any of what has been thrown at me all that well.  Then again who am I to question it as one never knows the true reasons behind things. My emotions simply feel raw. I do know that no medicine they have tried has given me total relief most have some kind of side effect.  So I just reach a point of total frustration and exhaustion, with a deep desire to simply be miraculously healed from it all.  My prayers suddenly all seemed to involve me begging for healing. 

I don't want any of this I just want to feel healthy and strong.  I want to be able to live life to the fullest yet why does that seem so distance right now.   And how can I just learn to accept that this may be my normal, that I may have to simply learn to live with these conditions.  That the key may very well lie in learning to simply accept these uncomfortable physical sensations or symptoms, and to learn how to live a full life in spite of them. Deep stuff for sure.