Saturday, November 19, 2011

Wave of Life

Ever had one of those days that just doesn't go right, what about if that day stretched into months and who knows how long.  The feeling as if a wave is engulfing one, as opposed to one riding it.  What is one suppose to do then?  

Lately I just cannot figure out what to do.  My momentum I had for finding a cure, or believing this dizziness can be healed is fading.  I feel in a mere matter of a year my world was turned upside down.  First being laid off, then the health problems that just seemed to spiral out of control this past year. My life feels like it has been hit by a tsunami.  And the process of picking up the shattered pieces has felt like such a slow process.

Finding happiness and peace within that process has been difficult at times.  I think not being able to work has been the hardest of harsh of realities to try to learn to accept for now.  (even though my man has a good job, with his past debt my income actually takes on even more importance)  And not knowing if I will ever be able to get back to working full time on a computer has been a scary thought. Or even being able to run to the store.  

This dizziness has left me feeling very helpless, lonely, and bored. (something I haven't even wanted to fully admit)  I hate admitting anything other than happy, positive feelings.   Not only that but it has brought a reflection of sorts, an enlightenment in some ways life not always going right can do that i suppose.  Or maybe just having the time helps as well, who knows. 

Whatever it may be it has also brought to light some things such as a superficialness, judgementalness, and even a little  selfishness in those I thought I knew. (are those even words) Which has sadden me in some ways as well. As when the waters get rough it often times reveals the true characters of those around us as well.  It's interesting to see how those closest to us respond in those less then perfect moments of life.

Anyway I find myself shouting to the universe more often than not, please just give me my life back....let it return to normal, let me just be able to run to the store to pick up the basic necessities.  Let me be able to work or find a way to bring in enough income so I can buy a small house, so we can finally have a real home not have to deal with moving and renting.  Please just let me read a book, or do anything for that matter, without my world feeling like it is moving, spinning, or my brain feeling as if it has a horrible charlie horse.

Even bigger question I find myself asking the universe is what is one suppose to do when life just doesn't go as we desire and it appears we seemingly have no control over it.  Especially when there are health issues involved, you know such as how can I get my life back to normal when I can barely keep my balance some days.  I worry everyday about all these things and more.  

And so far I've deduced that when life is less than perfect one has to try to find the simplest and smallest things that might bring happiness.  That I believe keeps one from falling into the black hole of life. But I'm still trying to figure the rest out.  And maybe all I can do is try to ride the wave of life, you know not let it engulf me but instead find a way to be one with it.  Just a thought....


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