Friday, November 25, 2011

Lost

"Every event in life can be causing only one of two things.  Either it is good for you, or it's bringing up what you need to look at in order to create good for you." 

Lately I'm wondering more and more about this.  As I feel pretty much the events happening lately just seem to keep knocking me down further.  On Tuesday I found out surprising news about my heart and yesterday found out news that could substantially affect my fiances.  Talk about being kicked when one is already knocked down.  I'm just not able to find the good in any of it. 

 It's hard because I haven't exactly been in this situation before where time after time the negative stuff keeps getting thrown at me.  I cannot even process one thing before another gets handed to me.  It's so overwhelming, it feels like my world is spiraling out of control.  And the best word to describe how I feel at the moment is lost.

The more I try to think about how to resolve them the more lost I feel.  It's an odd feeling.  I can honestly say I just don't know what to do.  And not knowing what to do feels stressful, and creates a fear of sorts.

I have wondered whether it all is trying to get me to look at certain things.  But honestly I come up blank, as I just have no answer, no intuition, no gut feeling on any of this.  It's so frustrating. 

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves liked locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.  Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would be able to live them.  And the point is, to live everything.  Live the questions now.  Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer."

Then I happened upon this quote and I wondered if that held some truth as well.   But honestly I feel I have been as patient as can be in a such a situation.  And some of the negative stuff I've been dealing with especially the health stuff cannot wait, as it is affecting so many other areas of my life including my ability to work, that it cannot remain unsolved.  And I believe that is where I feel the most overwhelming pressure, the most lost especially when doctors cannot offer healing to what ails, it's scary.  

"It is good to feel lost...because it proves you have a navigational sense of where "home" is.  You know that a place that feels like being found exists.  And maybe your current location isn't that place but, Hallelujah, that unsettled, uneasy feeling of lostness just brought you closer to it."

And yet some further insight, as I know what that place of being found feels like.  At the moment that feeling would involve a sense of well being, being free of the health issues, the physical sensations that impede my life.  Knowing and feeling a clear cut vision of what I should be doing for a living, knowing I could be successful and do it inspite of any health issues.  A feeling of financial security.  And finding a home we could afford to own, create roots as opposed to renting and always moving around.  Maybe even settling by the beach where I feel the most at home. Creating more fun in our life.  And whatever else would bring joy.  But honestly the most important is health, and I've learned if you have that you have true wealth.

That's the thing sometimes lately it's hard to focus on my dreams, even though I do have ideas.  But how to put it all into place, how to implement and make those desires a reality is where I feel lost.

"Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it."

"If one advances confidently in the direction of one's dreams, and endeavors to live the life which one has imagined, one will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

And maybe sometimes we just have to follow the path that is given, trust that life will guide us, even when we cannot feel or see where it leads.  
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