Monday, October 10, 2011

Monday Musings

Monday......a Monday I wasn't exactly looking forward to.

Today I went for my ear testing at University of Pennsylvania Hospital.   The honest was worst than I imagined.   Let's just say my body didn't exactly react the way I thought it would. 

There were four parts to the test, I made it to part three before my body broke down.  In a darkened chamber which reminded me of a Igloo, I was harnessed to a chair and electrodes placed over my eyes to record my eye movements.  The technician then shut the door and I was in the small completely blackened, small chamber which was scary in itself.   The test began I had to follow a red light but then came the part where the chair started moving back and forth.....that is where my body lost it.  

The head spinning began, followed by the worst dry heaves.  I hear the technician running to open the chamber, she begins unhooking the harness,the eye thing, all the while I feel like I have just been  in a torture chamber.   After awhile, well once I could comprehend things, she informs me she feels I'm probably done testing for the day.  But in my attempt to want to feel normal again I said could we try part four?

So part four began with my head and body still reeling from the previous one.  I made it through until the part where they are suppose to pour cold/warm water in both of my ears.  The technician warns me that most people will spin for a little but with me because I had the reaction I did to the previous test, well it could be far worse.  So I contemplate this over and over, my gut reaction is to just stop.  I felt like such a chicken, the tears were flowing because all I want is a diagnosis as to what is causing all this debilitating dizziness.  But to risk feeling any worse than I already do just didn't seem worth it.

Today was testing tomorrow is meeting with this renowned ear specialist.  After all the specialists I've seen I'm hoping he might have some insight into what is causing all this, that it doesn't require any further torturous tests, and most of all I pray to just be healed so that I can go back to living a normal life again.

The man took a half day to take me to testing, for that I am very grateful.  It's so hard not being able to drive, being dependent on others to even run small errands is difficult, and being stuck in the house has taken a huge toll as well. (especially not being able to read)  I know it's hard for him to understand but I feel rather desperate to just get out of the house somedays, running to the supermarket feels exciting.   And when I need to pick up something I have to wait until I can get a ride which is frustrating, as I'm one of those go getter types who likes to get things done.  Maybe life is trying to teach me to slow down. haha

We don't stop to think about all the small things we do each day, the places we go, the people we encounter along the way, until we can't do those things.   It may sound odd but just being able to walk around the block, pick up food at the market, or whatever else is a luxury in itself.  

So that's my Monday in a nutshell.   And today I can't help but think of the saying "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

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