Thursday, September 22, 2011

Thursday Thoughts

So nothing exactly has gone the way I imagined this past year, or even two.   Crazy how life has a mind of it's own sometimes.  I'm no where near to reaching certain dreams of mine, hindered by more obstacles lately.  And so this morning I fell into somewhat of a pity party.

You know what I mean....just a moment where you think nothing in your life is going how you desire or dream, you can't quite figure out how to get it all back on track and the tears, well the tears just simply flow. ha  It's as if the body just needs to release all that has built up.

It started with finding out the first available appointment with a neurology group that is supposedly one of the best in country, and whom my drs want me to see, is April 2012. April?  Knowing that finding a solution to these incapacitating dizzy spells could be over 6 months away is daunting.  (And having my doctor's office call does nothing because they simply respond with how urgent other's situations are as well, and that people from all over the country are waiting to be seen.)  

And the feeling of knowing this is beyond my control now is overwhelming.  And though I try to remain upbeat, happy, and positive there are those days where those pity moments creep in.  How could they not as I'm stuck at home, cannot drive, read, be on computer for longer than 20 mins, can barely walk around block alone for fear I might have a spell,etc.....being dependent on others plain blows. ha   It's hard to put into words but it's stealing the fun from life.  Definitely feel like life has thrown me a lot of odd, curve balls at times.

And the man, well when he isn't working he doesn't want to be bothered with doing anything but vegging on the couch.  So it's not like I can depend on him to be willing to do a lot on the weekends or after work. (that's the way he has always been)  It takes some hardcore begs to get him to do stuff, and even then he complains about not being home.  So you can see how me not being able to drive is really a big deal.  (I might as well try out for Big Brother at least I have the potential to win money while stuck in the house)

It is amazing because these rough patches of life bring the true character out of others in our life as well.  Seeing how those closest to us respond when things are less than perfect has been enlightening.

Some days I get into the bad habit of saying it's not fair, why me but I feel guilty because I know there are many worse off.  So most days I just try to concentrate on the positive because focusing on the negative where does it really get us anyway?

There's just so much I want to do, yet many an obstacle.   So today I start thinking about it all, and even how other areas of my life feel behind or unsettled....and silly me created a pity moment.  But you know it's okay because pity moments allow us to release all that stuff we keep inside which isn't good either.  We all need a good release from time to time too.  And those moments give us perspective and insight too..

That is why I love writing and journaling because it allows us to just release all those thoughts, feelings, and whatever else we keep pent up.

I don't have all the answers that is for sure though I'm learning a lot.  And maybe this blog won't always reflect a perfect life, love, or world but it will reflect a real life.  As life isn't perfect nor are any of us.   Yet in those imperfections of life I have to believe that somewhere lies a perfection of some sort.  In my opinion it is what makes our souls truly bloom and flourish; and our hearts learn to honestly and faithfully love.













2 comments :

  1. I totally feel you on those pity moments. I find myself having a bunch of those lately as my life has been one huge slap in the face after the other. You are completely right about life not being perfect and nothing ever goes the way you plan. Good post really could relate. Sorry about the long delay in seeing your doctor, maybe something will happen and you may get an appointment sooner :) Cross fingers!

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