Friday, September 30, 2011

Life Lessons

A while ago I purchased "The Purpose Driven Life", for one reason or another it wasn't an easy read for me at the time.   So it pretty much sat on my bookshelf.   Until that is these dizzy spells popped up.   Due to the fact I cannot read a book the library was kind enough to send over some audio books.  Now it was the library's choice, they asked what genre of book I preferred but from there they chose the actual books.

To my surprise this book was delivered, I thought to myself....well I tried reading that awhile ago but sometimes it got a little too much for me.  But then I thought what if there is a reason it has been brought to me, what if there is something I need to learn from it.  So I popped into the cd player and away I listened.

Now you must know I am probably one of the biggest skeptics around, I pretty much question everything and trust nothing. ha   So when it comes to religion I consider myself spiritual, as opposed to largely religious.  Religion has always been so very hard for me to understand, more so all the suffering that takes place on earth and it's relation to a high power.  It's just something I could never quite grasp.  You know the age old question of if there is a God why does he let people suffer or go through the horrible or unpleasant things that they do on earth?  

So when it came to reading books like The Purpose Driven Life, well honestly I always became a little disillusioned.  But listening to the book on cd yesterday I felt a little less disillusion.  In fact, I think there were lessons to be learned and felt more receptive to the ideas of the book.  I found them rather enlightening.

Which led me to ponder, maybe we all have life lessons to be learned.  Maybe we aren't always ready for them, open to them, or able to understand them.  And maybe certain things happen or keep coming in our lives to teach us or even remind us of these lessons?  Maybe there is something to be learned from everyone and everything that crosses our path if we listen and look closely. Again I don't have all the answers just thoughts.

But I do know all these dizzy spells, and other health issues that have been going on have led me to really explore other areas of life that I might have not explored had it not been for them.  It's just interesting to think about.  Are there certain lessons each of us are here to learn? 

Oh I will be the first to admit that the suffering many go through will always leave me feeling like it's not fair, and probably will always question why.  Yet at the same time I feel I don't know enough to make such a judgement either.  

Guess what I'm trying to say is I think the best we can all do is try to remain open to life's lessons.   in the midst of everything that happens somehow I think there might just be lessons to be learned from it all.  Thoughts?

I do know that I would highly recommend this book no matter what ones religious beliefs. 

And  though we may all share different beliefs, opinions, feelings, thoughts, and whatever else on life and all the things that make it up....those differences are the very things that help us learn along this journey of life. 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Lately I've been feeling lost.... not sure what to do, what path or direction to take, what to think, and overall I guess there's this sense of just not knowing what to do when it comes to many areas of my life at the moment.   An uneasiness of sorts, the feeling of lacking a sense of direction or guidance. And of not having the answers I'd like or certain dreams fulfilled.

So what does one do when feeling this way?  I google "feeling lost", and as funny as it may sound I stumbled across some great articles and quotes.  (even though technically I should not even be on the computer but I figure I seem to be dizzy either way these days)
One of the quotes I stumbled upon was this....

Anything that you give your attention to will become your “truth”… The Law of attraction says that it must. Your life and everyone else's too is but a reflection of the predominance of your thoughts. There is no exception to this.”

And thought what am I giving my attention to right now? My thoughts feel so mumbled jumbled I honestly feel it's hard to give my attention or focus on anything specific.   But then I thought even in that jumbleness my attention is still going somewhere.  And that somewhere is probably to the overwhelming stress that I've been experiencing which is most likely is causing chaotic thoughts of negativity to be the focus?

 I keep trying to remind myself to remain positive as I battle this ongoing, baffling dizziness  which comes with a host of other rather scary  physical symptoms and leave me feeling as if my world is falling apart.  So I try not to focus on it, try to immerse myself in other things and thoughts but it has gotten hard lately.  I find more and more of my attention is going to the fear and anxiety I feel toward these dizzy spells.  And the stress I feel of not being able to find answers, nor even work, sends me in a downward spiral of negative thoughts too.  What's interesting is I find that once one gets in such a mindset everything else in life seems to take on a negative connotation or is over analyzed as well.

The problem is there isn't much left I can do without seemingly somehow bringing on these terrible spells.  Watching tv, reading a book, even trying to cook a meal seemingly brings it on.  And not being able to drive is the hardest.  It's hard to focus on anything else because of the overwhelming presence it has managed to wedge in my life at the moment.  But isn't it during moments exactly like these that we need to focus on the positive, seek out the answers, and find the strength?  But how....
Maybe the answer lies in another quote I came upon.
“Every event in life can be causing only one of two things. Either it is good for you, or it's bringing up what you need to look at in order to create good for you.”

Could it be possibly that somehow things happen to us as a way of changing our life for the good?   It's hard to think that when we are going through something bad or feel horrible.  It's hard for me to believe that these dizzy spells are bringing up anything that might create eventual good.   Especially when they are seemingly slowly destroying my life at the moment.  But when you feel lost like I do at the moment, well I logically I have to try to explore all ways of thought. 

And I wonder why some people seemingly go through life with not an ailment at all, while others seemed weighed down by many.  (Many years ago I went through a puzzling health ailment, and let me tell you I didn't want to ever have to experience such a thing again....but here I am once again thrust into that world of the unknown where no one can explain the whys, hows, or cure the problem)  Could there be some lesson or message I'm somehow missing in all this?

There is a proverb which I also came across that states...

Fall seven times, stand up eight

And for now maybe that is all I need to remind myself.  As many times as my body knocks me down I need to somehow remind myself to keep standing up.  To not give it anymore power than it already has.  To focus on the positive, and hold on tight to anything at all that brings happiness.  Besides those moments in life when we feel the most lost could very well be the most enlightening.  In some ways those very moments could possibly teach us more about life, love, and what really matters than what we think those perfect moments do.

I feel myself beginning to say "who knows" a little too often these days, and I hate not having all the answers.  But then again does anyone?  And so I think when feeling sort of lost all paths should be explored, thoughts should be expressed, minds kept open, and to simply just do something each day that brings happiness even if it is just really small at first.   As...
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
 And so with that in mind I came across two wonderfully written pieces on this subject for which I think offer some very inspiring advice and words of wisdom.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Thursday Thoughts

So nothing exactly has gone the way I imagined this past year, or even two.   Crazy how life has a mind of it's own sometimes.  I'm no where near to reaching certain dreams of mine, hindered by more obstacles lately.  And so this morning I fell into somewhat of a pity party.

You know what I mean....just a moment where you think nothing in your life is going how you desire or dream, you can't quite figure out how to get it all back on track and the tears, well the tears just simply flow. ha  It's as if the body just needs to release all that has built up.

It started with finding out the first available appointment with a neurology group that is supposedly one of the best in country, and whom my drs want me to see, is April 2012. April?  Knowing that finding a solution to these incapacitating dizzy spells could be over 6 months away is daunting.  (And having my doctor's office call does nothing because they simply respond with how urgent other's situations are as well, and that people from all over the country are waiting to be seen.)  

And the feeling of knowing this is beyond my control now is overwhelming.  And though I try to remain upbeat, happy, and positive there are those days where those pity moments creep in.  How could they not as I'm stuck at home, cannot drive, read, be on computer for longer than 20 mins, can barely walk around block alone for fear I might have a spell,etc.....being dependent on others plain blows. ha   It's hard to put into words but it's stealing the fun from life.  Definitely feel like life has thrown me a lot of odd, curve balls at times.

And the man, well when he isn't working he doesn't want to be bothered with doing anything but vegging on the couch.  So it's not like I can depend on him to be willing to do a lot on the weekends or after work. (that's the way he has always been)  It takes some hardcore begs to get him to do stuff, and even then he complains about not being home.  So you can see how me not being able to drive is really a big deal.  (I might as well try out for Big Brother at least I have the potential to win money while stuck in the house)

It is amazing because these rough patches of life bring the true character out of others in our life as well.  Seeing how those closest to us respond when things are less than perfect has been enlightening.

Some days I get into the bad habit of saying it's not fair, why me but I feel guilty because I know there are many worse off.  So most days I just try to concentrate on the positive because focusing on the negative where does it really get us anyway?

There's just so much I want to do, yet many an obstacle.   So today I start thinking about it all, and even how other areas of my life feel behind or unsettled....and silly me created a pity moment.  But you know it's okay because pity moments allow us to release all that stuff we keep inside which isn't good either.  We all need a good release from time to time too.  And those moments give us perspective and insight too..

That is why I love writing and journaling because it allows us to just release all those thoughts, feelings, and whatever else we keep pent up.

I don't have all the answers that is for sure though I'm learning a lot.  And maybe this blog won't always reflect a perfect life, love, or world but it will reflect a real life.  As life isn't perfect nor are any of us.   Yet in those imperfections of life I have to believe that somewhere lies a perfection of some sort.  In my opinion it is what makes our souls truly bloom and flourish; and our hearts learn to honestly and faithfully love.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Woof Wednesday

Welcome to Woof Wednesday!   Sam is a sweet little male westie. He is 5 years old and weighs 20 pounds.  

Stories like Sam's make me so sad,  this little guy lost his home because his owners had to move and they could not bring him with them.  Unfortunately this happens to more dogs than we realize.   Imagine being given up by the only family you have ever known?

He is very lovable and affectionate. Sam loves people and gets along with other dogs. Sam has been neutered and is housebroken. If you are interested in adopting this gorgeous baby, please fill out an application on the following link:ADOPTION APPLICATION.

Please lets find this little guy a loving, permanent home!

Sam: West Highland White Terrier Westie, Dog; Old Bridge, NJ

Sam: West Highland White Terrier Westie, Dog; Old Bridge, NJ

C.A.R.E. Companion Animal Rescue & Education, Old Bridge, NJ

{Please keep in mind a dog is a lifetime commitment. They need attention, love and time just like we do. In addition, adding a pet to the family does cost money in the way of food, health care,training,etc. So before adopting make sure you are willing to make that kind of commitment and have the resources to do so.}

*If you want to be apart of "Woof Wednesdays" email Lauren at [] or leave a comment! We would Love to bring you on board!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


I've always adored affection.  To me being bathed in affection is one of the highlights of life. 
  An often times like last night that desire shows up in my dreams, which is always interesting.   This morning I woke with kisses on the mind.  (in fact I kinda wanted to jump back into the dream) ha

And so all this focus on kissing brought favorite quotes of mine on the subject to the forefront.
Oh I realize for every person who adores affection, there are those who don't.   But I just wish that those who don't could see the power it beholds.  
 As within a kiss lies a beauty and magic all it's own.....

Life, the gift of nature.  Love, the gift of life.  A kiss, the gift of love.

Kissing is like drinking salted water.  You drink, and your thirst increases.

A kiss seals two souls for a moment in time.

The only true gift is a portion of yourself.
Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.
Lips Kissing

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Live, Love, Laugh

"Live, Love, Laugh"

Many a day I feel the need to remind my man of the above quote.

This last past year our life has felt like one big rush, it feels like whatever we do the man is tense and in a rush to get home.  To do what you ask?  Well essentially hop on couch and stare at the tv, computer or just nap.  

Like today we are out trying to do 5 weeks worth of food shopping, so the man starts complaining how it's taking way too long.  He only wants to food shop once a month, hence the outings are probably going to take a little longer because of all the stuff that needs to be bought.  So I think to myself just try to appreciate being with me and let's have fun picking out some delicious food. (and maybe put away the phone and concentrate on task at hand)  : )  (frankly food shopping with this dizziness isn't fun but I try to make the best of it)

Seriously though I don't know how to get him to slow down and enjoy the moment for what it is.  (something this recent dizziness has taught me in a large way)   I'm sure people would say I used to be on the computer way too much myself in the past, it took this horrible dizziness to made me realize just how many real moments of life I was missing out on though.

But back to him, we could be at a family party or wherever and can usually find him sitting by the tv or on his phone, anxiously hoping I say we are leaving now.  Even intimate moments are sometimes rushed.  He just doesn't seem to ever appreciate or enjoy doing anything but watching tv.  And it kind of saddens me in a way because I feel like we are missing out on what could be some very bonding and fun moments together.  Kinda like we are letting life slip us by without savoring it more.

The mere suggestion of walking together around our neighborhood, starting a workout program together, or trying to plan a date leaves him stressed.  Even when we take our little doggie out for a walk he is telling her to hurry up.  Why, what's the rush?  

Just wish he could appreciate those moments we do stuff together, those moments that will mean more than watching tv ever will.  And I just wish he could slow down a little not always be in a rush to get home to watch tv/ work on computer.  To simply loosen up a little, not be so tight....maybe subscribe to the age old adage of  "live, love, laugh"!

Yeah come to think about it that would be perfect......

Friday, September 16, 2011

Lawn Clipping Show Down

Did my neighbor really just go after the poor kid that cuts our lawn?  Ah yes he did.....

Some days, no many days, I feel our life would make a great Seinfeld type of show.  The things that happen to us just seem rather surreal.

Let me explain....our little cottage house that we rent has a nice little property.   The landlord pays for the lawn to be maintained.  I believe the guys who cut the lawn are somehow related to our landlord.  Anyway....normally it's a blond hair, young guy that comes to mow but today a brunette, young guy showed up. 

Out of no where I hear my neighbor ambush the lawn guy, screaming they always leave clippings on his lawn and wall.   Well this poor kid trys to explain he normally doesn't cut our lawn, it's another kid.  And that he will be sure to blow any lawn clippings off his property. 

Guess that wasn't enough reassurance for the neighbor as he them proceeded to launch a full verbal, profanity riddled tirade on the guy.  Basically following the lawn guy around the property.  Finally the lawn guy who is being unnecessarily attacked starts screaming back.

Meanwhile, I'm in the house shaking because I know it's beginning to escalate in not a good way.  Call my man but can't reach him, call the landlord because I think she should know her relative related lawn guy is being attacked.   Next thing I know the neighbor is running into street blocking the guys truck calling the cops and giving his license plate number.  Seriously???? 

Upon first moving in here we had noticed lawn clippings on our chairs and swing set.  And we did mention to the lawn guy that maybe they could blow the things off a little better.  Since the landlord pays for our lawn care and is related to them, I didn't want to make that big a deal of it but I guess I should of?   The neighbor never mentioned anything to us before about the lawn clippings so I didn't even know it was an issue with him.

You never know what is going to set people off, and apparently for some lawn clippings are capable of making them explode in vicious anger.  

Just another day in my world.....

How Fast Do Lawn Clippings Decompose?thumbnail

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Time Heals

There is a saying.....

"Time heals all wounds"
Lately I'm beginning to ponder this.

As some wounds seem too deep to be completely healed.  Such as those that penetrate the deepest parts of our heart and soul.   Those having to do with love,  or moments where trust and other such things become broken, or dreams are shattered.  Other wounds feel too mysterious, puzzling to be healed.  Such as diseases of the body.
As I'm sure we all have I've experienced both and sometimes don't feel time will heal all.

Oh how I wish it did, the optimist in me wants to believe.   But with some wounds I think it's simply  a matter of learning how to live with them.  Then again maybe my thoughts are influenced by the fact that none of the experts have an answer or solution to this current wound of dizziness in my world at the moment.
Maybe with time not all wounds can necessarily be healed but maybe they can be lessened.  Who  knows, but as I continue to ponder this and go about life journey maybe the answers will come.  Maybe time will teach me the truth behind the saying....


Monday, September 12, 2011

Monday Musings


All the days feel like they have been running together lately.   Like I have to think about what day of the week it actually is.  But being incapacitated with vertigo, not being able to do just about anything will do that.

In fact, today I basically said the heck with it and am trying to type through the spinning sensation because I've had it with staring at the wall.  Right now I need to write as an outlet to express all that is happening, my feelings, thoughts, you know what I mean because I'm a firm believer in not keeping it all in.  That is even worse for the body.

So what can I say.  I've had good days here and there, but the bad days are starting to become more frequent.  The attacks are increasing, to the point they can last for days now.  Something I never imagined was possible, oh but I learned it is.  But wow I cannot believe how much I took for granted before this.  Seriously it's amazing how we just go about our days never stopping to think about it all, until something literally stops us in our tracks making us taking notice.

Anyway,the ear specialist thinks it might not be just peripheral (meaning inner ear), she said she very much feels it is central too (meaning brain).  Much like the symptoms many athletes get after sustaining one too many concussions.  She wants to get another opinion that of a Dr in Philadelphia who specializes in vertigo, but of course they don't have an appointment available until December. (nothing like the health care system)  Anyway, she consulted with my neurologist and then contacted this other doctor's office so we are all waiting on the edge of our seats to see if they can somehow manage to convince him to see me earlier. 

Let's just say I won't hold my breath because this guy supposedly sees people from all over the country so appointments sound very hard to come by, and they make it sound like squeezing in appointments is a rarity. (bet if I was a high profile athlete they would find a way)  And sometimes the admin could be a little nicer, instead of copping attitude like some of them do.  I understand they may be overwhelmed but when dealing with patients who feel horrible they need to find a way to be a tad more compassionate. 

And if you have never experienced vertigo or wondering what it is, well put a backpack of books on your back and spin around real fast about 20 or more times, then maybe ride the tilt of wheel at the amusement park.  It's basically a sensation of motion where an individual or their environment feels like it is whirling, usually accompanied by a loss of balance. 

 It leaves me unable to drive, and begging for rides to just about anywhere.  Food shopping has become like walking one of those rickty bridges at a fun house or like trying to walk after too many alcoholic beverages.  

 Like anything else if someone has never experience it first hand themselves it's really, very hard to understand.  So sorry if I sound like I'm complaining too much but I just need to let out how I really feel.   This is my journal and these thoughts of mine needs journaling. ha

Anyway, this Monday I'd give anything to just feel good again.  Come on universe pretty please could you send a miracle this way and cure this dizziness/vertigo for good? 

If I sound a tad desperate that is because I am.   I just want to have my life back.  To be able to work, read a book, use the computer, watch tv, drive a car, walk around the block, go anywhere for that matter, and simply just participate in life again!

Whomever comes across this, whomever decides to read to this point.....please appreciate your health right now, don't put off the things you love and want to do because you never know how quickly you might not be able to do them.   And Monday might seem like the worst day of the week but trust me if you feel good today it's the best day of the week! 

Yeah I'm feeling whirly so probably should wrap this up, but it feels good to just write.  So before I become unable to click on the publish bottom above I think I will leave it at that for this Monday.

And maybe I simply need to remind myself of this....

Monday, September 5, 2011

Monday Musings


And I'm feeling frustrated, frustrated with many things.....

Not to mention lots of ideas, thoughts, desires, pent up energy and no where to go with it.

Sometimes certain things just feel rather one sided.  

And since this dizziness has been a lot worse lately I cannot even finish this post as I wanted. 

Ah life ain't it grand.....

I'm going to meditate!  :)

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