Thursday, February 24, 2011

Just A Number

They say age is just a number, for the most part it's true.  But for certain things such as kids, certain careers, dreams,etc., well the number can have a significant impact.

You see recently I had a birthday.  One I have been fretting for awhile now, it just happens that recent events have overshadowed it all.  Pain will do that I guess in this case it was a huge distraction to other thoughts I had been thinking.   But then today at a doctors appointment it hit me like a ton of bricks the reality of the number.  And some of the pressures it brings with it. 

Growing up I  played house like every other girl, pretending to be a mother at times, etc.. but then came my twenties where families/children just seemed to fade into the background, in fact there were periods where I wasn't sure either way.  Plus, I led a very nomadic life during my 20's traveling, living in various places, which I don't regret as it was a tremendous enlightening and learning period.

Back then I  thought I knew what love was but truth be told I didn't truly understand the whole meaning or true concept of love. Heck I didn't even fully understand what it meant to truly be financially responsible either.  There was so much I needed to learn  And I've always seemed to choose the path least traveled, or shall I say it chose me at times as well. 

It is exactly those journeys during my 20's that brought a completely new perspective into the 30's.

In past relationships kids were discussed but more in just those random conversations one had laying in the couch while pondering life or discussing dreams together.  And the guys were always the ones who seemed to bring it up.  Fast forward those times and other relationships I've had in my life to the present. My man just isn't the conversation type, he isn't the type to lay around conversing about dreams or anything else except maybe sports.

So over the years kids is something my man and I never really discussed in a serious manner. Such deep type conversations make him uncomfortable and silent.  And quite frankly I wasn't sure him or his habits were the fatherly type when we first met.  Though a lot has changed since then and he has come an incredibly long way.  He has voiced his concern about creating a relationship that would stand the test of time, that being more important than kids.  Which I think comes from his personal family experiences.  And quite frankly I didn't have definite thoughts on it either.

Before my man ever came into my life my dog did.  And it was her that opened my world to a love I never knew existed.  She was my little baby.  And matronly feelings I never knew I had expressed themselves in surprising ways.  But dogs are different then kids and I think I felt content just having her in my life.

Then my niece came along and changed my outlook completely.  The amazing little soul that my sister brought into this world opened my heart and soul to a new world.  And suddenly this new, somewhat small desire started to enter my thoughts . (you have to know me... to admit  that is a huge awakening)  Although I still felt a twinge of anxiety when pondering it all.

Ans maybe in some ways that small awakening took too long to surface.  Because now age may not just be a number anymore, it may be a big determining factor to something like having kids.  As my doctor liked to inform me even men's sperm starts declining at 35. (supposedly they are finding many more defects in sperm as men are holding off into their 30's too.)  She said not only women but also men need to think about such things at earlier ages because waiting is not as ideal as many are under the assumption it is.
She said just because we see all these celebrities/people having kids later in life doesn't mean it is easy or done without a lot of help/money, example she gave was Sarah Jessica and Matthew Broderick who had to hire a surrogate which she reminded me only few of such luxuries. Very enlightening and surprising when presented with certain facts and stats.

Anyway, I also believe that to a certain degree what is meant to be in life will be.  That in some ways there is a higher plan, a purpose of sorts for each of us.  Although when I watch shows like MTV Sixteen and Pregnant sometimes that comes into question as how is it possible all these girls who don't want kids and have no means to care or deal with the responsibilities of being a mother are given the gift so early?  And other poor couples who have the means to handle the responsibility, who deeply desire it, aren't given the gift?  As I know more and more girls in both their 20's and 30's who have tried and tried, or miscarried a few times, or have had babies born with various health problems,etc. So sometimes it is hard to understand.

Honestly, our lives aren't exactly perfect for a family.   I realize my man has many years of debt still to pay off, has not much free time to devote to such a matter, frets at too much responsibility i.e. hates even the responsibility that comes with a house, having to paying bills or even having to go to a dr's appt. ( some nights having to do dishes can rattle him)  And kids are a much bigger responsibility.  Plus there is still a lot of unfinished things in my life as well.  And maybe deep down I've always been a little worried about the responsibility as well.  Not to mention a host of other things that could go wrong that scare me silly! 

But then again do we ever get to such a point in life where everything is perfect? (or for that matter are any of us ready for the  many things that life throws our way)  Point is those are some of the things that have kind of stood in the way of creating a family over the years or anytime soon. Yet soon would be the only real chance.

But nonetheless it is hard to accept that in many regards that our age, that number, can hold much more significance than just being a number.  Even cool jobs like FBI agents have age limits of 35 to apply.  That is sometimes the crazy part of life by the time individuals become enlightened to their true desires, age can stand in the way.  Guess it could be said to be a double edge sword in many ways.

Anyway, today as I lay on the couch because my bed rest has been extended due to more clots being discovered and spasms that continue to cause pain, and as this head cold continues to pound away bringing with it vertigo now(seriously.....really as if all the other stuff wasn't enough),  I honestly still do not feel a day past twenty.

And I do believe age is just a number.....if only sometimes our bodies and even society could see it that way too!

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