Monday, December 20, 2010

Monday Musings

Once again Monday has come rather quickly.  Though after this weekend I am welcoming it for a change. 

What I had anticipated to be a fun, festive weekend filled with holiday activities turned into the complete opposite.  In fact, any holiday spirit I seem to have this season feels like it was crushed. 

And really this is just a personal rant to express my feelings which I feel only hurt the body when suppressed.  So by all means skip this post of mine today, unless of course you like a little drama. haha (and you know life changes quickly so by the time you read all is probably good again)  ; )

The original plan was to go to Peddlers Village which is near New Hope, PA.  They have unique shops, and the lights they put up for the holidays have always been a holiday attraction.  We have talked about going there during the holidays for a few years but never got around to it.  So when we made plans to do it last week I was so excited!

I imagined walking around in the cold winter air, holding hands, drinking coca and just enjoying all the festive lights and holiday cheer around us.  I thought it would be a great way to really get in the Christmas spirit.  Then I thought we might drive around looking at Christmas lights and maybe even do a little Christmas shopping.

Let's just say nothing went as imagined.  Instead come Saturday the man didnt feel like going. Guess he would have preferred to sit on the couch watching tv. (but that happens pretty much every weekend and the holiday lights only happen once a year).  Well  we went but he was silent, forget holding hands, no cocoa, and absolutely no appreciation for the lights or festivities around us. 

Originally, I had wanted to go out to dinner but didn't even suggest that because I thought that would be pushing it. (he doesn't enjoy eating out)  So since we weren't planning on eating, I decided we might as well bring the dog.  And the lovely attention people bestowed upon her was the one bright spot.  People were stopping to pet her, tell her how pretty she was, and she seemed to enjoy it as she strutted around.

Anyway, we drove 40 mins, to walk around for maybe 15 mins.  I had warned my man to dress warm, bring gloves, scarf,etc. but he didn't.  So he basically started feeling cold pretty soon after arriving. (although we have weathered cold, rain and sleet while sitting at a football game before)  So this weather wasn't quite as bad.  Overall, let's just say he was in a bad mood. The car ride home was tense as I listened to him inform me he didn't care for it, that it was just lights, too crowded,cold etc.. And the conversation just went downhill from there. 

As he informed me he brings me flowers which is just for me, and wanted to know what I do just for him.

Hmmmm.....I cook homemade meals every night, do dishes, weekly cleaning, laundry, house painting, gardening, finances, etc, but he feels that is for me as well as for him.  Ok how about the time spent trying to figure out his credit report, debt and bills. Or other issues that I have tried to be supportive of and stand by him through.  Or all the weekends over the years I've sat on the couch watching tv because that is what he likes to do. And while we were dating I spent every weekend driving to his place, which was 50 mins away. (having to leave my dog with family)   Or when his mom was sick I was there offering help in any way I could, willing to talk to doctors, do his sisters laundry, be there for him.  Drove him to dental surgery twice, waited/worried while he was under, filled meds, and took care of him afterwards.  Or the moments I try to talk to him, ask him what he wants or try to plan something only to have him get annoyed because he not only dislikes questions but making plans ahead of time.  Even if those don't count these should....

I've tried numerous times making him breakfast in bed/coffee in the morning but nope he doesn't like that.(goes to wawa every morning instead)  Used to buy him cards, and write little love/inspirational notes didn't like that.  I have planned romantic evenings with candle light dinners and naughty itineraries nope not into that either. Baked special cakes for him.  Try to plan fun date nights. Shower him with affection. I've suggested plays, museums, and even Atlantic City.  He says those are things I like, but he doesn't. And so I asked him besides sports tickets (which I can't afford right now) what could I possibly do that is just for him, that would make him happy?   He had no answer. 

And the whopper comment....if it wasn't for me you would probably be living with family.(hey now I pay rent and half of all bills around here, it's not like he supports me)   And then I thought so what if I did.  But to him only losers do that after the college years.  And if you know me one thing I really dislike is using words like that.  I hate name calling, judging others, and not fond of unkind sarcasm. So that got me fired up.   My motto has always been to never judge anyone or their situation until you understand the whys and how, or have walked in their shoes. 

Whatever I do I always think of him, try to be supportive, even when I haven't agreed with certain things I never made any negative comments.  I feel I'm always looking out for his happiness.  But that tiny comment got me thinking of how in the grande scheme of life I really don't ask for much.  Kindness, compassion, affection, honesty, loyalty, good conversation, fun, understanding, love and a few date nights here and there is all I truly desire.

I explained to him how I felt his words were very unkind, that he doesn't seem appreciative of all the little things I do or ways I help him.  And that his words basically crushed my spirit.  He apologized but he also said he was expressing how he felt.  And I'm still waiting to hear what exactly it is he would like. What in his mind is equal to him buying me flowers. And I'm still trying to figure out if there is anything besides sports and the couch that he truly enjoys.

So for once I'm glad it's Monday because it's time to start anew.  Time to put the past behind and focus on the present.   I still believe...."The simply pleasures are life's truest treasures. Indulge yourself."

Sorry if it wasn't the most positive of posts but somedays I just need to keep it real.  And this post captures the raw emotions I felt. And that is why I started blogging in the first place to capture those emotions of life. But everyday is a new day, people agree and disagree, they have good days and bad, and people aren't always going to agree. That's life!  ; )


1 comment :

  1. I'm sorry you have to go through that. I'm sure he's a nice guy just not the type to really express his feelings. If so, I understand because I used to be that guy but I'm working on that because I know it doesn't get anywhere in relationships. I hope the best for y'all.


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